Saturday, December 09, 2006

It is hard out here

Oh, we gonna get on it like we own it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Slight problem
Paris Hilton and Britney Spears were supposed to host the Billboard Music Awards but they had to drop out. Apparently there was a panties-mandatory dress code.

Sous le lit
France has launched its own International news channel, “France 24.” They announced they will broadcast the news through French eyes. So apparently they will cover the war in Iraq from underneath their bed in Paris.

He is all overt the place
Vice President Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter, Mary Cheney, is pregnant. Man, that Bill Clinton is relentless.

So he is getting work
There is a new movie out about the F-word, “F*CK”. It is narrated by Michael Richards.

The movie “F*ck” is not, repeat, not about the reaction of Dick Cheney when he found out his daughter was pregnant.

Scientists say they have discovered a cure for erectile dysfunction that only requires one needle injection into the penis; in a related story, the latest cause of erectile dysfunction is hearing the phrase “one needle injection into the penis.”

Something not-so-special in the air
An American Airlines flight to Nashville was forced to land after a passenger lit matches to disguise her severe flatulence. The offending passenger was banned from flying American Airlines for a long time. On the bright side, she sold her story to Larry the Cable guy.

Since you asked:
If you are in to the show “Heroes” I want you to know that I have the oddest and most useless super power. Just by starting to nod off for a snooze, I can make the phone ring. If anyone can figure out how I can harness this power for good, let me know.

As I am prone to have a touch of insomnia, I came up with a technique that worked last night. Tell yourself that sleep is a vacation for your brain; a vacation where you can go anywhere despite the cost. So, as you lie down, prepare to plan your vacation, i.e. where you are going to dream. Start out in Maui, go to Sidney Australia, then the Swiss Alps. Money and time are not concerns, neither is the fact that it is somewhere you’ve never been.

(They say Spain’s pretty, though I’ve never been/ Daniel says it’s the best place he’s ever, ever seen and/ He should know he’s been there enough)

Then when you have settled on your itinerary of where you are going to go to sleep and dream, then go to Maui in your head, for example, and then start thinking of the last good dream you had. Try to remember the buildings, the people, the events. Then you will soon get that wonderful light and restful feeling of handing your brain over to your dream. In no time, things are starting to pop into your head that are a total surprise to you and now you have actually begun to sleep.

And then the frickin’ phone will ring.