Wednesday, April 19, 2006

It is hard out here

We aimin’ fo’ mo’ dramas than the Bahamas, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Britney’s baby Sean Preston Spears is recovering nicely after his fall. How the baby fell was an accident. His high chair toppled over when their home hit a speed bump.

Make the Clint Eastwood “High Plains Drifter” sound
President Bush proclaimed that, when it came to Donald Rumsfeld’s resignation, he was the decider. Unfortunately, Bush went on to add “I’m the decider and I’m feelin’ real decidery.”

Yeah, that too
A Swedish study claims that silicone breast implants are safe for women; plus the implants are really good for men’s eyesight and manual dexterity.

Titanic deck chair arranging
White House press secretary Scott McCLellan resigned; this is the political equivalent of the New York Knicks firing their score keeper.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
It was a little awkward when President Bush was told of his low approval rating; Bush suggested he should travel to the country of Approval and meet with the Approvalian people.

Clear as mud
President Bush did not rule out a nuclear attack on Iran if they continue their nuclear development. In other words, to punish Iran for wanting nuclear bombs we would hit them with nuclear bombs. That’s like punishing someone for drunk driving by making them chug whisky.

The TomKitten
Congratulations to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, they had a baby girl they named Suri; Suri in Japanese means a pickpocket. Suri in American means: therapy for life.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby girl they named Suri; Tom named his daughter Suri, as in the Oklahoma musical number “Surrey with the Fringe on Top” Oh yeah, that should put an end to all the gay rumors.

Tough one to spot
Sean Preston Spears is doing well after hitting his head in a fall. The good news is there was no brain damage which was really hard to diagnose because, well, Britney and K-Fed are the parents.

“The Aristocrats” is out on DVD featuring one hundred different comedians telling the world’s nastiest dirty joke; the amazing thing is that only one of the jokes referred to Monica Lewinski.

Bright future in comedy
Following an incident where a fan threw an enlarged syringe at Barry Bonds, a fan threw a huge ointment tube labeled “To: Barry Bonds. The Cream From: Victor.” If baseball doesn’t work out, Bonds can always open for Carrot Top as a prop comic.

How shaky was it?
The San Francisco earthquake was 100 years ago yesterday. To give you an idea how violent it was, that earth quake actually shook two straight cowboys on top of each other.

Who knew G-Bushy rapped?
President Bush proclaimed that, when it came to Donald Rumsfeld’s resignation, he was the decider. It was really bizarre, then President Bush broke into a rap song;

Check it, I said I was a uniter, not a divider
When it comes to Rummy, I’m the insider decider
I’m a provider not a derider and a bad bike rider
Word up, yo. Peace, y’all, POTUS out for shizzle.

This begs the question, what would Bush’s rap name be? G-Bushy, of course.

That figures
A University of Chicago study reveals Austria ranks the highest in sexual satisfaction after age 40. But Austria’s ranking is much lower when they don’t count Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A University of Chicago study reveals Austria ranks the highest in sexual satisfaction after age 40. It was a little awkward when President Bush was told of Austria’s high sexual satisfaction rating, he said; “Must be all that Kangaroo meat they eat.”

Since you asked;

As some of you know, every now and again we let loose the hounds and shake up some controversy – or throw down with the ‘versy as my peeps say, if I had peeps – in this blog. It’s like fat Clemenza said in “The Godfather” about Mafia wars. It has to happen now and again. OK, get ready:

Sleeping is fun.

No, I stand by that, don’t try and change my mind. Here is what I like about sleeping. What I love is that all too brief transition period right in between Waking Guy and Sleeping Guy.

If you’re really tired, and I mean a good kind of tired from working hard and working out, once you’ve finally settled into a position that feels good (and guys, you know what adjustments I am talking about. The boys need to be put to bed too) the settling in is usually marked by a loud sigh when you hit the good spot and you get ready to fall asleep.

Now what happens is your brain starts to unwind and you think about stuff like, “Man, what a day. I got that thing to still do, oops, I split an infinitive, but I’m not going to think about it now. Should I workout tomorrow? Worked out hard today. Love that new iPod playlist”

Now your brain is drifting from you being in control, to the brain being in control, i.e. sleep. Before you know it odd things start popping into your head, like;

“Wonder what Debbie Falcon is doing? Wow, I haven’t thought of her in years. She was pretty, though. What a wild name to grow up with, Falcon. Wonder if she was Indian? You know, feather, not dot. Debbie Big Bird. Hah. Debbie Eagle.”
Now the Sleeping guy is slowly, covertly, gaining control from waking guy like a pickpocket gently lifting out a wallet.

“Hey, what is that Eagle doing sitting on that table over there? And why am I suddenly in a bar? What the hell? Isn’t that Don Felder of the Eagles over there too? Wow. An Eagle and a real Eagle. And why is Don Felder talking to Debbie Falcon? ”

Now you have passed brain control over to Sleeping Guy. But that wonderful transition, that first slipping into that whacky, whacky town of Snoozeville, that is what is fun.

What is the deal with me having Eagles on the brain lately? Must be some faze. Get it? Instead of phase? Oh, I kill me. I got the Mercedes Bends.