Tuesday, April 18, 2006

It is hard out here

Did you hear the one about the hear the one about, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Feline freedom
After two weeks, Molly the Cat was finally freed from the wall of a New York Deli. Now if New Yorkers could only free all the cats trapped in the Chinese food’s Kung Pao Chicken.

Lyrical lines
A line from U2’s “One” was voted best music lyric. And the worst music lyric was the Country Music song; “My High School Teacher Dumped Me for A Younger Dude.”

The worst lyrics were from the Country song; “Does This Look Infected to You?”

The worst lyrics were from the Country song; “When you left it made me cry . . . when I pee.”

Kenyan runners swept the Boston Marathon. In equally shocking sports news, tbe New York Knicks stink.

So sad, not really
In an attempt to save the life of 9-11 terrorist Zacarias Moussaoui’s lawyers claimed Moussaoui’s father didn’t love him. That would be really sad except that it really isn’t.  

In an attempt to save the life of 9-11 terrorist Zacarias Moussaoui’s lawyers claimed Moussaoui’s father didn’t love him. So it’s clear that Moussaoui’s father was at least a good judge of character.

After getting sick to his stomach, New York Knicks coach Larry Brown has missed three games in a row; and the Knicks offense that made Brown sick has missed five games in a row.

In psychosis, nobody hears you scream
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes upcoming birth has brought up that Scientologist’s believe in a silent birth. Katie Holmes will try and stay quiet now matter how much she wants to scream. And that’s just from putting up with Tom, childbirth will be another reason to scream.  

Working title
“The Aristocrats” is out on DVD. One hundred different comedians telling the world’s filthiest dirty joke; the working title of the movie was; “The Paris Hilton Story.”

Since you asked:
Finally saw “The Aristocrats” before they took my comedy card away. It was great. Yes it was hilarious – nobody will ever look at a “Full House” rerun or Bob Saget the same way – but what I loved were the analysis by the comedy writers and comedians. It is obvious you don’t become big in comedy without loving to study and analyze comedy.

The three things that stuck out for me – besides the near heroic performance by Gilbert Godfrey telling the joke at a New York roast soon after September 11th – was the Robin Williams piano joke: “Do I know it? I wrote it.” Believe it or not, Carrot Top had a great bit.

Also Wendy Liebman’s dead-panned delivery on her reverse take on the joke. But the best part for me was Billy the Mime acting out in public the most disgusting joke in the world. It wasn’t just the Mime that was so funny – he was - but the reaction of the people walking by. You could see them thinking; “Oh, look at the cute Mime . . . what the fu . . . .?”

The best lesson about “The Aristocrats” is the way it illuminates the power of freedom of speech at a time of heightened sensitivity and political correctness. If all the overly-entitled pains-in-the-ass got together and saw “The Aristocrats” they would pass out from getting offended at the racist remarks, the incest jokes, the child molestation jokes, not to mention the potty humor. But no matter how bad all of those got – and believe me, they got bad- they weren’t the point at all. Not even close. They were just a romping build up to heighten the stupidity and the corniness of the punch line.  

The joke in “The Aristocrats” reminds me of one of my favorite jokes of all time:

A mailman is delivering mail at Christmas time and he is invited in to the house by a very attractive housewife wearing a sexy negligee.

“Come on in, I baked you a cake” the woman cheerfully said.

Thinking it was odd that a woman who has never spoken to him before would be so kind, the mailman sat down in her kitchen and ate his piece of cake, thanked her and got up to leave.

“No wait,” the woman said, “there’s more. Follow me to the bedroom.”

In shock the mailman followed the woman to her bedroom where she promptly threw herself at the mailman and they had wild mailman /housewife sex. Exhausted and disheveled the postman thanked the woman profusely but hurried to dress and leave.

“Not so fast” the woman said, “go get my purse, I am going to give you a dollar.”

“OK, that’s it. Lady, I don’t get it” said the confused mailman, “I’ve never said a word to you, you bake me a cake, we have sex and now you’re giving me a dollar. What the hell is going on?”

The woman veritably chirped the explanation;

“Well, last night I asked my husband, ‘What should we do for the mailman for Christmas?’ He said; ‘F*ck him, give him a buck.’

She beamed with pride and added;

“The cake was my idea.”

See, if I may dissect and kill the comedy frog for a second, F*ck him, give him a buck is funny. But the scorcher is the cake. The cake is comedy.