Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Its time to lay down

What the what the, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

More natural
Maddame Toussad’s wax museum announced they will feature a Hillary Clinton figure. Actually they tried to make the Hillary figure out of wax, but they found that it was more realistic looking if they used ice.

Take a break, Bode
The Olympics are over, but not everybody is upset; Bode Miller is relieved, all that drinking was starting to take its toll, now he can start getting in shape. Maybe lose that gut.

Bode Miller thinks the Olympics are a time to party and meet girls. But you should see this guy ski during spring break.

After being the favorite to win five events, Bode Miller was shut out of the medals at the Torino Olympics; but that didn’t stop Bode at the bars, he hung a ribbon around his neck and told the girls his medal just had a really, really big hole in it.

A good deal?
The debate over the Arab company’s desire to purchase six of our main ports continues. President Bush claims this is a good business deal; of course Bush thinks it was a good business deal when he bought a Rolex watch from a New York street vendor for $20.  

Or something like that
The debate over the Arab company’s desire to purchase six of our main ports continues. Some claim it is a good business deal, others say it is like putting Korea in charge of the Humane Society.

Two birds with one stone
Anna Nicole Smith is going before the Supreme Court to get her 89-year-old deceased ex’s. J. Howard Marshall’s, money. And while she’s there, Anna plans on seriously flirting with that young hot judge, 85-year-old John Paul Stevens.

Qualified or not
According to NFL sources, Texas quarterback Vince Young only scored a 6 on the NFL’s Wonderlic IQ test. Teams want quarterbacks to score over 30. That means Young may not be qualified to be a quarterback in the NFL. He’s qualified to be President of the United States, sure, but not a quarterback in the NFL.

So mean
Did you see the Olympic closing ceremonies? How about when that clown walked in? But enough about Bode Miller, those circus characters were great.

And it’s Woody by a, well, not a nose. Badaboom
In Italy, vets and trainers were arrested for feeding Viagra to race horses to make them run faster. Giving Viagra to race horses has also brought new meaning to a hard closer.

If you’re giving Viagra to race horses, for safety reasons, you better put an ejector saddle on all the jockeys riding mares.

Since you asked:
Lord knows I like a cocktail or two. And I can clearly understand wanting to take care of bidness wit’ da’ babes while you are young and single. Having said that, Bode Miller is a frickin’ idiot.

It gives me no pride to say I too have skied and snowboarded brutally hung over. Here is what can happen. A, You can get lucky and have the wild and raucous feeling from the night before carry over into wild and aggressive riding, that is, until you get dehydrated, cramped and delirious from drinking and then exerting yourself at altitude. Or, B, you are tired because you stayed up too late and drinking doesn’t induce restful sleep and, as we all know, fatigue breeds fear and fear is the last thing you need to ski tough. In other words, you get all whimpy.

B is what happened to Bode.

Bode was spent, tired and looked like he wanted to be someplace else. Now, if that is your third day on a ski vacation, that is somewhat understandable, but if it is during the Olympics, it is inexcusable.  

This last trip to Copper Mountain I had a blast. Snowboarded hard, a few beers while jammin’ on harp at the Apres bar, glass of wine or two during dinner and a glass of wine or two while watching the Olympics. But I wasn’t driving anywhere, I drank a ton of water and Gatorade and always went to bed stone sober and woke up feeling great.

When I snowboard I wake up beat up enough, the last thing I want is a stinkin’ hangover.  And if I had decided to go nuts one night the most I had to lose was not taking full advantage of our 2 for 1 $45 lift passes. Not an Olympic gold medal.  

It is even OK to announce that you partied all night before a big athletic contest. See: Joe Namath, Max McGee, Paul Horning, Mickey Mantle, Arnold Palmer, Derek Jeter, Dan Fouts, Michael Jordan, Brett Favre. It is OK to announce that but only after you have won.

It is no secret that booze and sports go together, it is managing them together that is tricky.

In the early Sixties, the coach of the then notoriously hard-charging on and off the ice Chicago Blackhawks, Billy Reay, is credited with installing the mandatory morning skate-around and afternoon nap before games, primarily to sweat out the effects of the night before. As soon as he did, the Blackhawks went from the cellar to the Stanley Cup winners. (A good sweaty work-out followed by re-hydration and rest, in that order, is the only remedy for a hangover) Now both practices are standard in the NBA and the NHL.

When someone wins after partying hard they are seen as a colorful true stud Alpha dog who women want and men want to be. When you announce that you partied like crazy and then you lose, ala Bode, that makes you, hmm, let’s see, oh yes, a drunk loser.  

Maybe that’s what pissed me off the most about Bode Miller half-assed Olympic performance: he violated the secret code of partying athletes. He brought shame to us who like to play hard and celebrate hard and then play hard again. There is an art to everything including mixing fun and playing a sport well. Bode Miller blew it and he made the rest of us look bad in the process.

Bode, if you can’t run with the big dogs, stay on the porch. Or in your cute little trailer.