We got to do the do that we do to you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Chimp change
In California, a man was viciously attacked by two chimps. In fact, there hasn’t been a chimp this furious since Bubbles flew into a jealous rage over Michael Jackson’s sleepover guests.
Kinda like that
President Bush nominated Stephen L. Johnson as the head of the Environmental Protection Agency. Bush nominating the head of the EPA is like Martha Stewart appointing the head of the Securities Exchange Commission.
Bush nominating the head of the EPA is like Michael Jackson nominating the head of child protective services.
Also kinda like that
Martha Stewart will serve the rest of her sentence at her $40 million dollar 153 acre luxury estate. That’s like sentencing Michael Moore to a Krispy Kreme donut shop.
Work it out
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that, for men, staring at women’s breasts for ten minutes is equal to a 30 minute work out. For variety, guys can get the same benefit by staring at women’s butts. That way, when you come home from drinking beer at a strip club, you can tell your wife you’ve been carbo-loading and cross-training.
Bad sports jobs? Any job that has the name New Orleans Hornets in the title
USA Today published the ten worst jobs in sports. How could they have possibly left off Terry Bradshaw’s hair stylist?
USA Today published the ten worst jobs in sports. How could they have possibly left off Barry Bond’s personal pubic relations director? “Barry, you just can’t tell the Nun from the Vatican press to bite you.”
USA Today published the ten worst jobs in sports. How could they have possibly left off Jose Conseco’s proof reader? “Um, Jose, for the last time, there’s no such word as steroidifided.”
“And, Jose, switch hitters who can use their left and right hands are not actually called amphibious.”
RIP HST
Sadly, hard-partying gonzo journalist and sports nut Dr. Hunter S. Thompson passed away. Services will be held as soon as the crematorium can get his fire to burn down.
In lieu of flowers please send drawn butter
Bubba, the 100 year old 23 pound lobster caught off Maine died while being transferred to the Pittsburgh Zoo. Services will be held at the Pittsburgh all-you-can eat Red Lobster.
iPod, uPod, we allPod
Over 10 million iPods have been sold. Have you heard the latest trend? Clothes for the iPod. People are dressing up their iPods. And we actually wonder why poorer countries hate us?
Did you know that people are naming their iPods? If you really feel you need to name your iPod, I’ve got some iPod name suggestions: Get a Life, is a good one. Or, Sad Loser, would fit. Or Too Much Time on Your Hands is also a good one.
Can you believe some people are actually naming their iPods? “Hey, I see you’ve got an iPod there.” “Excuse me, but he objects to the term iPod; he prefers his given name, Lawrence.”
Who are these people dressing and naming their iPods? Probably the same people who have time to listen to 5,000 songs. 500 songs, sure, but 5,000? There are entire music stores that don’t have that many songs. And that even includes songs by William Hung and John Tesh.
Good luck
I’m having a great week so far. To show you how lucky I’ve been, today a judge sentenced me to five months of house arrest at Martha Stewart’s estate. It’s like winning the lottery.
“Hey Martha, where do you keep the beer nuts, “Jeopardy” is on. Wow, this couch is nice.”
Can you believe a judge sentenced Martha Stewart to five months at her palatial $40 million, 153 acre estate? If he wanted to punish Martha, he should have sentenced her to Paulie Shore’s room at his Mom’s house. Now that would teach her.
If he wanted to punish Martha, he should have sentenced her to Tonya Harding’s trailer home.
Could be worse
The fate of Robert Blake now lies in the hands of the jury. As scary as that seems for Blake, it could be worse. Blake’s fate could be in the hands of 12 television critics.
Maybe it’s just me
The NFL is still talking about former Ohio State star running back, Maurice Clarett’s slow 4.82 forty time. Now, I don’t want to imply Clarett is out of shape, but I still say he would have run faster if he had only put down the Twinkie.
Gone gates
The gates in Central Park are gone. Well, by gone, I mean stolen. Central Park hot dog vendors doubled their business when the gates were there. To show you how busy it was, the hot dog vendors were so busy, they almost ran out of formaldehyde for the hot dog water.
Times have changed.
Five years ago it would not have sounded like a good thing at all to admit that you had Hoobastank on your iPod.
Since you asked:
Friends. Bear (or is it bare?) with me. My (take a deep breath, Lex) frickin’ email is out again. My new McAfee spam blocker seems to want to change the server to a wrong address. Whatever the hell that means. I should be back in action tomorrow.
On the good side of technology, I feel so damned hip. (Remember, nothing sadder than non-twenty something’s trying to act cool) Get this: I just downloaded Usher’s “Caught Up” on my iPod. Four years ago, if someone said I’d have an Usher on my iPod I would have sued the movie theater for sexual harassment.
Saw the Grammys and I wasn’t overly impressed by anyone except that Usher guy. Man can flat out sing and it dance old school. You remember, back when you had to have more than a dingy famous sister and a bad attitude to get a recording deal? OK, so much for being hip and cool. Now I sound like a crabby old guy. Again. Worse, a crabby old guy with email problems. I’m starting to remind myself of my parents, may they rest in peace.
Frantic call to my old apartment in San Diego from my parents in Chicago entertaining dinner guests to watch a video: “How come the VCR isn’t working? Oh, channel three? There it is. Bye. Click.”
Chimp change
In California, a man was viciously attacked by two chimps. In fact, there hasn’t been a chimp this furious since Bubbles flew into a jealous rage over Michael Jackson’s sleepover guests.
Kinda like that
President Bush nominated Stephen L. Johnson as the head of the Environmental Protection Agency. Bush nominating the head of the EPA is like Martha Stewart appointing the head of the Securities Exchange Commission.
Bush nominating the head of the EPA is like Michael Jackson nominating the head of child protective services.
Also kinda like that
Martha Stewart will serve the rest of her sentence at her $40 million dollar 153 acre luxury estate. That’s like sentencing Michael Moore to a Krispy Kreme donut shop.
Work it out
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that, for men, staring at women’s breasts for ten minutes is equal to a 30 minute work out. For variety, guys can get the same benefit by staring at women’s butts. That way, when you come home from drinking beer at a strip club, you can tell your wife you’ve been carbo-loading and cross-training.
Bad sports jobs? Any job that has the name New Orleans Hornets in the title
USA Today published the ten worst jobs in sports. How could they have possibly left off Terry Bradshaw’s hair stylist?
USA Today published the ten worst jobs in sports. How could they have possibly left off Barry Bond’s personal pubic relations director? “Barry, you just can’t tell the Nun from the Vatican press to bite you.”
USA Today published the ten worst jobs in sports. How could they have possibly left off Jose Conseco’s proof reader? “Um, Jose, for the last time, there’s no such word as steroidifided.”
“And, Jose, switch hitters who can use their left and right hands are not actually called amphibious.”
RIP HST
Sadly, hard-partying gonzo journalist and sports nut Dr. Hunter S. Thompson passed away. Services will be held as soon as the crematorium can get his fire to burn down.
In lieu of flowers please send drawn butter
Bubba, the 100 year old 23 pound lobster caught off Maine died while being transferred to the Pittsburgh Zoo. Services will be held at the Pittsburgh all-you-can eat Red Lobster.
iPod, uPod, we allPod
Over 10 million iPods have been sold. Have you heard the latest trend? Clothes for the iPod. People are dressing up their iPods. And we actually wonder why poorer countries hate us?
Did you know that people are naming their iPods? If you really feel you need to name your iPod, I’ve got some iPod name suggestions: Get a Life, is a good one. Or, Sad Loser, would fit. Or Too Much Time on Your Hands is also a good one.
Can you believe some people are actually naming their iPods? “Hey, I see you’ve got an iPod there.” “Excuse me, but he objects to the term iPod; he prefers his given name, Lawrence.”
Who are these people dressing and naming their iPods? Probably the same people who have time to listen to 5,000 songs. 500 songs, sure, but 5,000? There are entire music stores that don’t have that many songs. And that even includes songs by William Hung and John Tesh.
Good luck
I’m having a great week so far. To show you how lucky I’ve been, today a judge sentenced me to five months of house arrest at Martha Stewart’s estate. It’s like winning the lottery.
“Hey Martha, where do you keep the beer nuts, “Jeopardy” is on. Wow, this couch is nice.”
Can you believe a judge sentenced Martha Stewart to five months at her palatial $40 million, 153 acre estate? If he wanted to punish Martha, he should have sentenced her to Paulie Shore’s room at his Mom’s house. Now that would teach her.
If he wanted to punish Martha, he should have sentenced her to Tonya Harding’s trailer home.
Could be worse
The fate of Robert Blake now lies in the hands of the jury. As scary as that seems for Blake, it could be worse. Blake’s fate could be in the hands of 12 television critics.
Maybe it’s just me
The NFL is still talking about former Ohio State star running back, Maurice Clarett’s slow 4.82 forty time. Now, I don’t want to imply Clarett is out of shape, but I still say he would have run faster if he had only put down the Twinkie.
Gone gates
The gates in Central Park are gone. Well, by gone, I mean stolen. Central Park hot dog vendors doubled their business when the gates were there. To show you how busy it was, the hot dog vendors were so busy, they almost ran out of formaldehyde for the hot dog water.
Times have changed.
Five years ago it would not have sounded like a good thing at all to admit that you had Hoobastank on your iPod.
Since you asked:
Friends. Bear (or is it bare?) with me. My (take a deep breath, Lex) frickin’ email is out again. My new McAfee spam blocker seems to want to change the server to a wrong address. Whatever the hell that means. I should be back in action tomorrow.
On the good side of technology, I feel so damned hip. (Remember, nothing sadder than non-twenty something’s trying to act cool) Get this: I just downloaded Usher’s “Caught Up” on my iPod. Four years ago, if someone said I’d have an Usher on my iPod I would have sued the movie theater for sexual harassment.
Saw the Grammys and I wasn’t overly impressed by anyone except that Usher guy. Man can flat out sing and it dance old school. You remember, back when you had to have more than a dingy famous sister and a bad attitude to get a recording deal? OK, so much for being hip and cool. Now I sound like a crabby old guy. Again. Worse, a crabby old guy with email problems. I’m starting to remind myself of my parents, may they rest in peace.
Frantic call to my old apartment in San Diego from my parents in Chicago entertaining dinner guests to watch a video: “How come the VCR isn’t working? Oh, channel three? There it is. Bye. Click.”
posted by Alex at
1:38 PM
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