A shout-out to my roadizzy dogizzy’s one time up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Take the four and divide it into . . .
*A miner just found a 182-carat diamond in Guinea. Or as Kobe Bryant calls a 182-carat diamond: 45 Laker girls.
I, uh, I did not know that . . .
*Due to hostages taken, the government of Kenya has called on all of its citizens to leave Iraq. I didn’t know this, but apparently Kenya is a Swahili word that means: French.
*In Tennessee four jail inmates, Ridgy Dean Coleman, Jimmy Joe Stapleton, David Wayne Blizzard and David Allen Hopkins, escaped to buy beer and then returned to jail. And what a shock that they all go by three names? Where was Bobby Joe Doofus and Billy Boo Wanker?
Hey Sandy Berger, are those purloined terror documents in your pants or are you just glad to see me?
Bill Clinton security advisor Sandy Berger claims he inadvertently stuffed National Archives anti-terrorism documents into his pants and accidentally threw them away, documents specifically requested by the 9-11 commission. Even Martha Stewart is calling this guy a liar.
What is it with the Clinton administration? They can’t control anything that’s inside their pants.
Martha, Martha, Martha
*Martha Stewart told Larry King she is writing a book for people in her situation. And who’s that? Rich lying thieves? So that means it will sell two copies, one to Enron’s Kenneth Lay and the other to Sandy Berger.
Because of her prison sentencing, Martha Stewart compared herself to Nelson Mandela. And today Martha went to the gym, spent ten minutes on the stationary bike and compared herself to Lance Armstrong.
Today Martha Stewart offered somebody an aspirin and then compared herself to Mother Teresa.
That hurt
*It was reported that Stephen Hawking reported his new discovery about black holes to all of his fellow brilliant astrophysicists. That’s odd. He didn’t call me.
Still beating this dead horse
*An Air Force Academy cheerleader was charged with steroid violations. They suspected a problem when the cheerleader patted a passing player on the butt and accidentally sent him flying into the stands.
Shocking development
*This just in: Dennis Kucinich has announced he is pulling out of the presidential race. What a shock. I had no idea he was still in the thing.
Since you asked:
It just goes to show you, Slatterns and Ranchers, that you never know.
In the Spring, we had practically no plans for the Summer. Parents at my daughter’s school could hardly wait to yammer-on about their far flung adventures – hiking the Himalayas, providing famine relief in West Africa, going to museum openings named in their honor - while I stood there feeling like the worst father/husband/dog-owner/moron in the world.
“Uh, duh, what are we doing? Uh, well, we might go to Legoland, yup, yup, yup.”
Then I would scratch myself. Real hard.
Low and behold, reunion-based trips started happening on their own; a college track reunion in Santa Barbara; high school great friends informal reunion in Chicago and Wisconsin; my wife’s family get-together in Colorado, and now, possibly, another Santa Barbara reunion to see my good old restaurant pals from the Elephant Hu . . . uh, excuse me, Elegant Farmer. (Churherherweeeeeeee buddy)
Here’s my question: with all of these reunions popping up out of nowhere, am I dying of something and they’re not telling me? Because I really don’t feel that great, to be honest. No, seriously, you can tell me. I can take it. Does this mole look at all normal to you? Grandma? What’s that? You want me to come closer to the light? Oh, sweet relief, that mist feels so good. Are those harps I hear? Hey, isn't that Junior Wells? Why, I thought he was . . . wait a second.
And that’s how we play; “Alex is a self-absorbed hypochondriac.”
Just in: After nearly dying from the flu, a monkey in an Israel zoo recovered and now walks upright, like a human. A veterinarian said the explanation is that, during the fever, the monkey suffered brain damage, so now it walks. Kind of knocks the crap out of Darwin’s theory of evolution, don’t it? We’re not evolved, were brain damaged. Well, at least that explains Karaoke singing.
(Polite applause)
Take the four and divide it into . . .
*A miner just found a 182-carat diamond in Guinea. Or as Kobe Bryant calls a 182-carat diamond: 45 Laker girls.
I, uh, I did not know that . . .
*Due to hostages taken, the government of Kenya has called on all of its citizens to leave Iraq. I didn’t know this, but apparently Kenya is a Swahili word that means: French.
*In Tennessee four jail inmates, Ridgy Dean Coleman, Jimmy Joe Stapleton, David Wayne Blizzard and David Allen Hopkins, escaped to buy beer and then returned to jail. And what a shock that they all go by three names? Where was Bobby Joe Doofus and Billy Boo Wanker?
Hey Sandy Berger, are those purloined terror documents in your pants or are you just glad to see me?
Bill Clinton security advisor Sandy Berger claims he inadvertently stuffed National Archives anti-terrorism documents into his pants and accidentally threw them away, documents specifically requested by the 9-11 commission. Even Martha Stewart is calling this guy a liar.
What is it with the Clinton administration? They can’t control anything that’s inside their pants.
Martha, Martha, Martha
*Martha Stewart told Larry King she is writing a book for people in her situation. And who’s that? Rich lying thieves? So that means it will sell two copies, one to Enron’s Kenneth Lay and the other to Sandy Berger.
Because of her prison sentencing, Martha Stewart compared herself to Nelson Mandela. And today Martha went to the gym, spent ten minutes on the stationary bike and compared herself to Lance Armstrong.
Today Martha Stewart offered somebody an aspirin and then compared herself to Mother Teresa.
That hurt
*It was reported that Stephen Hawking reported his new discovery about black holes to all of his fellow brilliant astrophysicists. That’s odd. He didn’t call me.
Still beating this dead horse
*An Air Force Academy cheerleader was charged with steroid violations. They suspected a problem when the cheerleader patted a passing player on the butt and accidentally sent him flying into the stands.
Shocking development
*This just in: Dennis Kucinich has announced he is pulling out of the presidential race. What a shock. I had no idea he was still in the thing.
Since you asked:
It just goes to show you, Slatterns and Ranchers, that you never know.
In the Spring, we had practically no plans for the Summer. Parents at my daughter’s school could hardly wait to yammer-on about their far flung adventures – hiking the Himalayas, providing famine relief in West Africa, going to museum openings named in their honor - while I stood there feeling like the worst father/husband/dog-owner/moron in the world.
“Uh, duh, what are we doing? Uh, well, we might go to Legoland, yup, yup, yup.”
Then I would scratch myself. Real hard.
Low and behold, reunion-based trips started happening on their own; a college track reunion in Santa Barbara; high school great friends informal reunion in Chicago and Wisconsin; my wife’s family get-together in Colorado, and now, possibly, another Santa Barbara reunion to see my good old restaurant pals from the Elephant Hu . . . uh, excuse me, Elegant Farmer. (Churherherweeeeeeee buddy)
Here’s my question: with all of these reunions popping up out of nowhere, am I dying of something and they’re not telling me? Because I really don’t feel that great, to be honest. No, seriously, you can tell me. I can take it. Does this mole look at all normal to you? Grandma? What’s that? You want me to come closer to the light? Oh, sweet relief, that mist feels so good. Are those harps I hear? Hey, isn't that Junior Wells? Why, I thought he was . . . wait a second.
And that’s how we play; “Alex is a self-absorbed hypochondriac.”
Just in: After nearly dying from the flu, a monkey in an Israel zoo recovered and now walks upright, like a human. A veterinarian said the explanation is that, during the fever, the monkey suffered brain damage, so now it walks. Kind of knocks the crap out of Darwin’s theory of evolution, don’t it? We’re not evolved, were brain damaged. Well, at least that explains Karaoke singing.
(Polite applause)
posted by Alex at
11:21 AM
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