Oh now, that’s, that’s my bad, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Martha Stewart, Living Large
*Martha Stewart has a new catch phrase for prison: Being my bitch? It’s a good thing.
*It has been hot. I’m sweating like Martha Stewart filing her asparagus tongs into a shiv.
What a coincidence?
*Linda Ronstadt got kicked out of the Aladdin in Las Vegas for dedicating a song to Michael Moore and his movie “Fahrenheit 9-11.” Michael Moore was also recently kicked out of the Aladdin. Not for his movie, but for eating too much at the all-you-can-eat buffet.
Tapping in
*The Bush daughters have joined the campaign. This is bad news for the press on the campaign trail: The free booze supply will now be severely strained.
The secret service final codenames for the Bush daughters are “Twinkle” and “Turquoise.” That’s better than their first idea: “Schlitz” and “Budweiser.”
Rah, rah, 'roid
Two football players at the Air Force Academy were charged with steroid violations, and so was Jonathan Belkowitz, a cheerleader. Do cheerleaders need steroid?
“Let’s push ‘em back, push ‘em back way back . . .(‘roid rage) to freakin’ Moscow.”
Low ball
*Iraqi militants released the Filipino truck driver hostage today. How low are people’s expectations of Iraqi militants when we are delighted that they didn’t cut off the guy’s head?
It must be tough to negotiate with Iraqi militants:
Negotiator: “How about if we try a compromise?”
Iraqi Militants: “How about if we cut his head off?”
That close
*It’s looking more and more like Lance Armstong is in great shape to win his sixth Tour de France. It’s looking so good, today Gary Payton and Carl Malone asked to be traded to the U.S. Postal team.
The chalk flew up . . .
*John McEnroe has his own talk show on CNBC. How is that going to work?
“What do you mean we have to break for a commercial? You cannot be serious! My director is the pitts of the world.”
Let’s not quibble
*The 9/11 commission is releasing a report that says Iran, not Iraq was involved with the attacks on September, 11th. When asked to respond, President Bush said; “There’s a difference?”
Apparently Bush thought Iran was the past tense for Iraq. Today it’s called Iraq, yesterday it’s Iran. Like flew and flown, sew, sown.
Call your broker
*Here’s something amazing - Martha Stewart’s stock went up 30% after her sentencing. It shot up after she was sent to jail. Here is my question: how can I buy stock in Kobe Bryant?
Not that I’m not tough or anything
*Dale Earnhardt Jr. will compete Sunday in a NASCAR race in New Hampshire, despite suffering burns to his legs and face in a fiery wreck last weekend. And to think I once took a day off because of a case of the hiccups.
Practically twins
While discussing her sentence, Martha Stewart compared herself to South African civil rights leader Nelson Mandela. Sure. Besides Martha being a rich white woman who ripped people off and lied and Mandela being a tortured martyr for racial freedom, they are almost identical.
Right now
Medicare now recognizes obesity as an illness. Obesity is an illness? Forget his movie “Fahrenheit 9-11” Michael Moore should dial 911.
Everyone knows that . . .
John Kerry has picked up the John Edwards theme of “Two Americas.” When asked to comment about two Americas, President Bush said,
“Well, duh. Everyone knows that there’s North America and, well, that other one. Come on, know your basic geology.”
Now, you know how I hate to brag, but check out the caption winner
http://www.captionmachine.com/?p=185&c=1
And this one:
http://www.humormeonline.com/archives/topstu/topstu_7Jul04.html
I'm LexKase
Martha Stewart, Living Large
*Martha Stewart has a new catch phrase for prison: Being my bitch? It’s a good thing.
*It has been hot. I’m sweating like Martha Stewart filing her asparagus tongs into a shiv.
What a coincidence?
*Linda Ronstadt got kicked out of the Aladdin in Las Vegas for dedicating a song to Michael Moore and his movie “Fahrenheit 9-11.” Michael Moore was also recently kicked out of the Aladdin. Not for his movie, but for eating too much at the all-you-can-eat buffet.
Tapping in
*The Bush daughters have joined the campaign. This is bad news for the press on the campaign trail: The free booze supply will now be severely strained.
The secret service final codenames for the Bush daughters are “Twinkle” and “Turquoise.” That’s better than their first idea: “Schlitz” and “Budweiser.”
Rah, rah, 'roid
Two football players at the Air Force Academy were charged with steroid violations, and so was Jonathan Belkowitz, a cheerleader. Do cheerleaders need steroid?
“Let’s push ‘em back, push ‘em back way back . . .(‘roid rage) to freakin’ Moscow.”
Low ball
*Iraqi militants released the Filipino truck driver hostage today. How low are people’s expectations of Iraqi militants when we are delighted that they didn’t cut off the guy’s head?
It must be tough to negotiate with Iraqi militants:
Negotiator: “How about if we try a compromise?”
Iraqi Militants: “How about if we cut his head off?”
That close
*It’s looking more and more like Lance Armstong is in great shape to win his sixth Tour de France. It’s looking so good, today Gary Payton and Carl Malone asked to be traded to the U.S. Postal team.
The chalk flew up . . .
*John McEnroe has his own talk show on CNBC. How is that going to work?
“What do you mean we have to break for a commercial? You cannot be serious! My director is the pitts of the world.”
Let’s not quibble
*The 9/11 commission is releasing a report that says Iran, not Iraq was involved with the attacks on September, 11th. When asked to respond, President Bush said; “There’s a difference?”
Apparently Bush thought Iran was the past tense for Iraq. Today it’s called Iraq, yesterday it’s Iran. Like flew and flown, sew, sown.
Call your broker
*Here’s something amazing - Martha Stewart’s stock went up 30% after her sentencing. It shot up after she was sent to jail. Here is my question: how can I buy stock in Kobe Bryant?
Not that I’m not tough or anything
*Dale Earnhardt Jr. will compete Sunday in a NASCAR race in New Hampshire, despite suffering burns to his legs and face in a fiery wreck last weekend. And to think I once took a day off because of a case of the hiccups.
Practically twins
While discussing her sentence, Martha Stewart compared herself to South African civil rights leader Nelson Mandela. Sure. Besides Martha being a rich white woman who ripped people off and lied and Mandela being a tortured martyr for racial freedom, they are almost identical.
Right now
Medicare now recognizes obesity as an illness. Obesity is an illness? Forget his movie “Fahrenheit 9-11” Michael Moore should dial 911.
Everyone knows that . . .
John Kerry has picked up the John Edwards theme of “Two Americas.” When asked to comment about two Americas, President Bush said,
“Well, duh. Everyone knows that there’s North America and, well, that other one. Come on, know your basic geology.”
Now, you know how I hate to brag, but check out the caption winner
http://www.captionmachine.com/?p=185&c=1
And this one:
http://www.humormeonline.com/archives/topstu/topstu_7Jul04.html
I'm LexKase
posted by Alex at
12:03 PM
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