All of this and a cornbread biscuit, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Don't you just love the word biscuit? I do. Biscuit. See?

Winona Ryder has been sentenced to probation and to 480 hours of community service. That’s good, because if Winona tries to steal that orange jump suit they give roadside trash collectors, then even she will know she has a problem. Actually, Winona Ryder was sentenced to work with the sick, the blind and babies with AIDS. And if she ever steals again, she will really be severely punished and she’ll have to work with lawyers in the D.A.’s office.

The Los Angeles Lakers are in last place behind the lowly L.A. Clippers. The Lakers are playing so bad, Shaquille O’Neal’s movie “Shazam” is starting to look good by comparison. How bad are the Lakers? They have actually started spying on the Clippers practices. To help boost attendance, they are introducing Lakers forward Rick Fox as Mr. Venessa Williams. The Lakers are playing so bad that Venessa Williams has decided to dump husband Rick Fox in favor of her Radio Shack commercial co-star Ving Rhames.
Rumor has it the reason the Lakers are doing so badly is lack of confidence in their coach. The players have actually started reading all the books Phil Jackson has given them and they now realize Jackson ain’t nearly as smart as he says he is. Remember the Lakers’ “Miles of Smiles Tour” after their championship last year? This post season it will be “The Trail of Tears tour.”

A software company whose clients reportedly include the FBI was raided by Customs agents as part of a terrorist investigation. Their first clue? The company’s e-mail address is Die Infidels@Taliban.com.

In a fax to Al-Jazeera, Al-Quida has promised the U.S. a gift of terror in the holiday. Head of Homeland Security head Tom Ridge suggests everyone be on high alert for a Santa Claus wearing a turban whose sled is being pulled by camels instead of reindeer. A gift of terror in the holiday? Gosh, that’s awful considerate, Al-Quida, but don’t go to any trouble. It’s the thought that counts. Seriously, that’s OK, guys. A nice Holiday Terror Card will be more than enough. These Al-Quida guys are becoming more annoying than the Howie Long-Teri Hatcher Radio Shack commercials.

Tonya Harding has announced she is entering the ring as a pro boxer. The big question now is what temporary advertising tattoo Harding will wear in the ring: Copenhagen chewing tobacco, Farmers Fresh Pork Rinds or Lucky Beer?

Seven Eleven is going to start serving sushi. In addition, they will now feature a special Seven Eleven Salmonella Poison Antidote Kit available at the counter next to the beef jerky.