Thursday, December 05, 2002

Deck the halls with Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, falla lalla la, la la la la.

In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Whitney Houston admitted to using drugs. In equally surprising news, Bill Clinton admits he likes the ladies.

A winter snow storm hit the East. New York City got more inches than Clinton’s intern. (I am sorry, but I am under contractual obligation under the Comedy Writer's Guild code of conduct to do a Clinton intern joke in connection with New York city getting inches of snow in their first snow storm)

The big San Diego Chargers Oakland Raider game is this Sunday in San Diego. Oakland Raider fans claim that they aren’t any more rowdy or violent than mellow San Diego Chargers fans. Yeah right, and guys love to stay awake to cuddle after sex. There are always a lot of opponents fans at Chargers games. The last time the Green Bay Packers came to San Diego, the crowd was greener than a Disney Cruise ship passenger.

The Los Angeles Lakers are in last place a half game behind the lowly L.A. Clippers. Do you know who is leading the Lakers in steals? Winona Ryder.Or as the Sacramento Kings are calling the Lakers dismal record: the best Christmas present ever.

Tonya Harding has announced she is entering the ring as a pro women boxer. Do you know who I’d like to see her fight? Michael Jackson. It’d be billed “The Trollop with a Whollop vs. The Freak without a Beak.”

"Playboy” magazine announced they’re laying off 8% of their work-force. I’m not surprised, Hugh Hefner is getting old and “Playboy” is behind the times. Take their last pictorial, for example: "Girls of the Colorado Indian Territory." Let’s face it, Hugh Hefner is getting up there. The first time he published naked women it was because they hadn’t invented clothes yet.(Shecky Green, is that you? I'm coming to the red light.)

Seven Eleven is going to start serving sushi. Oh, doesn't that sound good? This month they call it sushi, next month they will sell it as Fish Jerky.

“Uh, I’d like some of that homemade beef jerky, please.”

“That’s not beef jerky, that’s a month old tuna roll.”

Yes sir, if there is one thing those Pakistani clerks are known for, it's there excellent preparation of Sushi.