Walk with me for a while, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

United Airlines might go bankrupt. So now the pilots will have to drink on their own time.

Have all the relatives finally left after Thanksgiving? When mine finally left, I felt like the 101st Airborne liberating Hitler’s Eagle’s nest mountain retreat. Just kidding. My In-laws were great. My Father in-law, in two days, fixes all the things around the house I plan to but don't fix for the entire year. And they say procrastinating doesn't pay. Hah, I say. Hah.

I’ve noticed a lot of J. Lo bashing is in vogue. About her projecting a down-to-earth image yet reportedly throwing Diva tantrums and of course, the obligatory big-butt jokes. So for now, the honeymoon is over, J. Lo. But don't worry, you'lll probably have dozens more. Rumor has it Jennifer Lopez is planning a Christmas wedding. Hopefully the marriage will last as long as the twelve days of Christmas. This way, when her marriage to Ben Affleck doesn't work, she can just return him with the receipt.

UN inspectors pulled a surprise inspection of Saddam Hussein’s palace. Reportedly Hussein is even madder than that grumpy guy is at the dumb guy in the Federal Express commercials. It was embarrassing, just like when my parents would drop in on my first apartment: Saddam and his aides were desperately scrambling around shoving pizza boxes, beer cans and girlie mags under the bed.

A new study shows a distant chemical relative of marijuana may hold the promise of relieving depression and anxiety without the negative side effects of a marijuana high. The negative side effects of getting high? Clearly this study wasn’t done by the band I play harmonica with from time to time. According to them, the only negative effect of getting high is coming down again.

Frequent mountain-biking may reduce fertility in men, according to a study. The frequent jolts and vibrations may cause abnormalities to the reproductive area. This is just what couch potatoes needed to hear:

“Hey, you goin’ mountain biking with us?” “Nah, I’ll just stay here on the couch and protect the boys.”

This only applies to extreme riders who ride up to two hours a day. I guess that once a month ride to get donuts puts me in the clear. Actually, I tell a lie. I rode hard early Sunday morning and, I know this is San Diego, but I nearly froze my "boys" off.

Radio Shack has come out with the talking tire gauge. I couldn’t hear it over my cell phone.