It's time to hunker up and throw down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Stone Phillips turns 48 today. So Happy Birthday to Stone and his hair.

I saw a special on HBO that featured a southern transsexual male and female couple. In other words, the man who surgically became a woman was dating a woman who surgically became a man. Isn’t that like traveling around the world to visit your next door neighbors?

You won’t believe what the U.N. inspectors found in Iraq today: Michael Jackson’s nose. The U.N. inspectors found where Saddam Hussein has been hiding his chemical weapons. On cruise ships.

The man who started Wenchell’s Donuts has past away at the age of 87. He had always been a glazed donut fan, but this time he finally took a powder.

A Carnival Cruise ship came back to Miami with 170 people sick. Not because of the food, but they replayed the old Kathy Lee Gifford commercials. They haven’t had this many people get sick since they booked Tom Arnold as the cruise comedian.

The San Diego Chargers beat the Denver Broncos in overtime 30-27. It was close. The Chargers were dangled over the balcony of defeat like Michael Jackson’s baby. I am starting to think Michael Jackson just doesn’t get it; today somebody asked Michael; “How’s it hangin’?” And he replied; “Oh, the baby’s inside asleep.”

This Christmas I am going to get tough. I am going to pull a Michael Jackson on one of Santa’s elves and dangle him over a balcony until he gives me what I want.

Michael Vick accounted for 346 of Atlanta's 379 yards in offense in the Atlanta Falcons 30-24 overtime win over Minnesota. Vick ran for 173 yards. Luckily for Atlanta, Vick did not need to change into his cape in a phonebooth to fight crime any time during the game.

Detainees in the war on terrorism are contending they should not be held at the U.S. Naval Base in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, without being charged with a crime. But then they found out if they were released they would go back to Afghanistan, so they dropped the whole thing.

Taiwan has launched a crack-down on bootleg rice wine after tainted liquor killed at least five people. They should. Nothing will ruin a good buzz faster than dying.

In an annual Thanksgiving tradition, President Bush pardoned the White House turkey He’s gone soft. When he was governor of Texas he would have whacked the turkey and the guy who delivered it for bringing it late. Thanks to the presidential pardon, the turkey is allowed to live in Washington and work as an over-qualified government worker. Do you know the name of the first turkey pardoned by a president? Strom Thurmond.

A controversial Italian doctor claims he has cloned a baby, but many are skeptical. When informed there would be dire legal consequences if he was found to be lying, the doctor said; “Did I say cloned? No, I meant clowned. Yeah, he’s going to join the circus.”