Tuesday, October 21, 2008

We do how we do how we do how we do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

You’d think
Fertilizer prices have jumped 50% to 100% in one year. That's amazing. In an election year, you'd think the one thing we have in surplus would be B.S.

Stretching it
Scientists have discovered the oldest-ever remains of a dog dating back 31,700 years. It was called the Paleolithic dog. Or as John McCain called it: Sparky.
31,700 years officially sets the record for the most ludicrous John McCain age reference.

Who knew?
Sadly, snarky fashion expert Mr. Blackwell passed away. The cause of death? It turns out Oprah’s gown at the Emmys was to die for.

Warning sign
The Dallas Cowboys announced that suspended Adam “Pacman” Jones is undergoing treatment for alcohol addiction. They suspected there was a serious problem when Jones announced he was changing his name from “Pacman” Jones to “Joe Sixpack” Jones

Madonna’s attorneys claim Guy Ritchie called Madonna “a Granny.” That could prove to be the most expensive two words in history next to Paul McCartney telling Heather Mills “I do.”

Madonna insiders say her divorce with Guy Ritchie could result in ugliness of epic proportions. To give you some idea, this divorce could be uglier and more painful to see than any of Madonna’s film performances. Even “Shanghai Surprise.”

And he has Spock’s ears
Is it just me, or when Barack Obama gives a speech, do you hear a little bit of Captain Kirk’s . . . famous . . . pauses?

Good advice
Actor David Duchovny checked out of sex addiction rehab to find that his wife, Tea Leoni, filed for divorce. Here’s a little marriage tip. If you don’t want to get divorced, don’t give up sex.

You know what the first sign of sex addiction is? Having working genitals.

How did I guess?
China’s two-time Olympic table tennis medalist, Wang Hao, will get counseling after fighting a security guard who tried to stop him from urinating outside a Beijing karaoke club. Let’s see: public urinating, fighting, Karaoke. Why do I suspect alcohol was involved?

Although Hao correctly defended himself saying it was better for people to hear him urinate than sing Karaoke.

Since you asked:

As he is one of my favorite sports writers, at least in the top 20, as a Cubs fan, it pains me to report the San Francisco Chronicle’s great Scott Ostler has suggested, to appease us whining Chicago fans, the Cubs and the Sox should play a best-of-five game Loser Series. That hurts. But the loser of this loser series could play the San Francisco Giants and the loser of that would win the Loser World Series.

No offense to my man Scott Ostler, but having a Giants fan insult the Cubs is like Paris Hilton calling Madonna a skank.

(Oh, snap. Yes, big O, it is on. Well, as much as it can be on when an obscure, unknown blog-spewing hack comedy writer goes after a nationally-known award-winning sports journalist)