We are going to host a full-blown Shanghai Shit Show up in this hereizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It rained in Los Angeles. In addition, Siri set a new world record for receiving the same phrase: “What is water falling from the sky?”

Jim Beam is advertising their new Devil’s Cut brand as tasting better. Advertising whisky’s taste is like advertising Viagra’s nutritional benefits.

The dating app, Tinder, has a new feature called Super Like.  It is right next to the “I want to make a skin suit out you” button.  

“Deadspin” claims the Washington Redskins fans are shrinking. To win back fans, they may have to change their name to the Washington Trump Hairs.”

Donald Trump is replaced on “Celebrity Apprentice” by Arnold Schwarzenegger. In a related story, Donald Trump said, if elected president, he would declare war against the illegal immigrants from the country of Schwarzneggia.

Congratulations to the US Open winner, Italy’s Flavia Pennetta. In her honor, Olive Garden is offering all-you-can-eat Flavia Pennetta.

A Beverly Hills resident raced his Ferrari, registered to Qatar, through his wealthy neighborhood and claimed diplomatic immunity to do so. He then told the paparazzi; “Eff America.”  For the love of god, Justin Bieber, get some help.

In a related story, Donald Trump just declared war on Qatar.

The Chicago Bears have unveiled a statue of their founder and owner, George Halas. The statue is realistic right down to the moths that fly out of his wallet.

In a related story, the Washington Redskins fans have unveiled something in the likeness of their owner: The Dan Snyder toilet.