Monday, September 14, 2015

This hair

Plus this hair

Equals this hair

Lexervations after most of week #1 in the NFL:

It is official, Tampa Bay is a full-blown Shanghai Shit Show (copyright pending) If I was a Tampa fan, I would be feeling a little crabby about Jameis Winston. (See what I did there?) Who could have seen this coming? Oh right, everybody. (Cough: Ryan Leaf)

Tony Romo has been a victim of the press’ happy horse pucky for too long. Choker my ass. Believe me, I hate those obnoxious Cowboy fans and Jerry Jones. But none of the three interceptions were Romo’s fault. That comeback was all his doing. Well, his and Eli Manning. What the hell, Eli? How hard is it to run out a clock?

You don’t think NFL rich prima donnas are tough? Dez Bryant played, and then tried to play some more, on a broken foot. A broken foot.

At one point during the San Diego Chargers game I thought Phillip Rivers deserves to win this game, but the rest of his teammates didn’t except for Eric Weddle. And maybe Danny Woodhead.

One team and one team only will survive a move to Los Angeles and it is the Rams. If two teams move, the second team, the Chargers or the Raiders, will have to move back with their tail and far-less-money between their legs.

The NFL needs more guys like Rex Ryan.

In all the games I saw, mostly the Chargers and the Giants/Cowboys, the referees were pretty damn good. There was one truly blown interference call against the Giants. It turned out to be the game changer.

This isn’t an NFL thing, but seriously, anal tattoos? What the hell?

Seattle Seahawks Kam Chancellor’s holding-out-advising-agent looks like a genius.

New York Giant, Odell Beckham Jr., is a bonafide superstar/freak.

At one point during a game, I think there were four Manning commercials in a row. Is it just me, or does Eli Manning look like the guy who works at your gym who is so pleasant and easy-going, you thought he was mentally challenged?

“Hello . . . there . . . Eli . . . How. . .  are . . . you?”

How is this for a special comeback episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm”?

Larry David is at the fancy LA gym and brags to Jeff in the locker room about how much “special” people like him. He claims he has a bond with “special” people because they can tell, like dogs, if someone is a good person.

Jeff asks,

“Are you comparing special people to dogs?”

Offended, Larry says;

“No, but there are similarities. They both love me. Maybe it’s the bald thing. They know I am sweet, so the mentally challenged and dogs love the hell out of me. ”

As if to prove his point, a young man with a wool hat pulled low riding a bike with a basket in front pulls up to the gym. To be candid, he looks pretty mentally challenged.

It is Eli Manning.

Eli is a client of Jeff and is in town to film a commercial, so he is a guest at the gym. Larry has no idea he is The Eli Manning. Jeff realizes this and does not set Larry straight on purpose. Larry walks up and to prove his point about loving the mentally challenged and vice versa, he hugs Eli.

“What’s your name young fella?”

“Eli,” says a confused Manning.

“I bet your parents are proud of you,” says a patronizing Larry. The genuinely confused Eli goes into the gym. Jeff is secretly laughing his ass off.

The gym than offers an NFL Combine fitness test. It has a 40-yard-dash. An obstacle course, pass catching, jump roping. But it also features an online Wonderlic test, a ten-question version of the 50-question IQ test NFL players take. But just as hard.

Larry challenges Eli to the test. (Again, Larry has no idea he is The Eli Manning) Eli smokes him in every test. Then they go into separate room to take the Wonderlic test. Larry David somehow botches the online test and only answers three questions and it logs him off. He loses his mind in classic Larry fashion.

The next day, they post everybody’s NFL Combine and Wonderlic scores and they all treat Larry like he is severely mentally challenged.

Larry only scored a four. Eli had a 45.

Larry is visibly getting upset about people treating him like he is mentally challenged.

“I’m not mentally challenged. In fact, mentally challenged people worship me like a god.”

Just then the most adorable and sweet mentally-challenged girl comes into the gym with her Labrador handicap-helper dog. Larry rushes up to her to give her a hug. She says, in her sweet voice:

“F*ck off, you bald assh*le.”

And then the dog bites Larry in the ass.

(And scene)