Tuesday, April 02, 2013

Look out, everybody, 'cause its a Stand Up Paddle Board surfin' daaaaaaawwwwwwwwg. 

I'm just sayin' what I'm sayin' when I'm saying it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Traveling to Germany, Justin Bieber had to have his monkey quarantined; apparently the monkey was acting up, it was picking up Bieber's music and hurling it at people. 

There is a new bacon-flavored condom. How do I describe how stupid this is? Guys, if she can taste the bacon on the condom, why do you need a condom? 

Since you asked:

In my extensive/obsessive rock biography and documentary research, one fact is becoming clear: the groupie scene is not nearly as great as we guys have been misled to believe. 

Keith Richards rarely partook and he had literally thousands of chances. He describes how pathetic and sort of awkward would be the experience of having a girl come into your hotel room just for sex and then leave less than an hour later. He says something to the effect of why not just take care of yourself?

The Eagles allude to the fact that not all towns have the same high standards of groupies as say Los Angeles or New York. Henley went too far as to fly girls in on a private jet.

Another unmentioned consideration is what kind of woman goes to the trouble of sleeping with a guy because he is a rock star? "Almost Famous" is gracious in it's depiction of this messed-up group of vagabond  drug-addicted women gypsies. Something tells me they didn't look at all like Kate Hudson. 

Truth be told, I knew one woman who was a legitimate star-effer. She would convince herself she was in love with various rock performers like Jackson Browne and James Taylor and go see them. And she was very good looking. And yet she didn't sleep with either one after seeing them in concert several times. She either didn't get backstage or, if she did, they had already gone off with their wife or girlfriend.

The only rock performer she slept with was one she happened to meet at a celebrity gathering she arranged to get invited to and even that relationship was more like a secret affair than a post-concert groupie one-night-stand. 

Most rock stars didn't go to college and if they did they didn't go to UCSB and join a Fraternity like Sigma Chi that had dress-up parties with the incredibly pretty sorority sisters of Delta Gamma and Pi Phi or Kappa and Theta. 

And they probably haven't seen the mind-boggling parade of hot drunk women dressed up as hookers and French upstairs maids that is Halloween in Isla Vista. 

Or the other-worldly sight that is the Pi Phi beach volleyball tournament at East Beach in Santa Barbara. Words cannot come close. And the parties afterwards? Let's just say a lot of these sorority girls volleyball teams came to town with a mission. 

And it wasn't just to play volleyball. 

And the rock stars sure as hell didn't live in a Long Beach dorm that was part of the all-girl Brooks Institute of Fashion Design and Modeling.