Thursday, March 28, 2013

She got all the O’s, klepto, pyro, nympho, schizo, psycho, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

TCU is offering counseling sessions for students with ADD. It is called the Texas Christian University Attention Deficit, I like pie.

The US tied Mexico in a World Cup qualifying match 0-0. Don’t let the score fool you, it was an exciting match. There was the time we almost scored and didn’t and then they almost scored and didn’t. Then there was the time where we didn’t almost score.

Passover is when the Jews celebrate their escaping slavery in Egypt 3,300 years ago. The closest WASP equivalent is in 1983 when Dennis Connor liberated the America’s Cup Yacht trophy from the tyranny of Australia. 

Allegheny College has hired two sex therapists to teach masturbation to the students; if I had taken that class it would be the first one where my teacher could not say I wasn’t applying myself.

Since you asked;

On “Parks and Recreation,” Jenny Slate played Jean-Ralphio’s twin sister and they were both awesome as possibly the two biggest douche-bags who have ever lived. Jenny's character inspired our “aLBb” intro, she got all the O’s.

Fact is I really knew a woman in New York who was every bit as awful as Jenny’s character in “PAR.” You couldn’t say she was insensitive because that would leave the possibility she had any sensitivity at all. She didn’t. She simply saw other people, including her family, as human canisters for her to use and discard.

They say, if you don't have something nice to say about someone, don't say anything. Screw that. Short of murderous terrorists, tyrants and serial killers, she was as awful as a human being can be.

And it was so much fun.

A big reason she was able to be this horrible was that she was attractive – though not nearly as attractive as she thought – if somebody dared to make a comment about an actress or model being beautiful, she would dive into a dark, seething rage at the implication they were more beautiful than she.

To this day it would take a team of psychiatrists to explain how she was able to be obsessively paranoid about what everyone thought about her, and yet truly not care about anyone else but herself.

Vanity? The word doesn't come close to describing how vain she was. Her vanity was a super power. 

Heaven forbid the conversation veered away from her or ripping people she didn't like, she would actually pout.

One of her more interesting characteristics was she was ruthlessly voracious and tenacious about accumulating wealth and expensive possessions, yet she was as stupid as a rock when it came to everything else. She didn't just not know about literature, music, art, history, geography or politics, she had genuine contempt for them. What do they have to do with getting her a Range Rover? 

The difference between Jenny Slate’s character and the women I knew is that Slate’s character is funny. The woman I knew had absolutely no trace of a sense of humor once you discount laughing at other’s misfortunes.

For a long while, she was fun to be around because she was so completely and utterly awful. It was funny to hear her rip anyone and everyone who wasn’t there. She wasn’t merely horribly jealous of other women, which she was, she genuinely despised them. You know women who claim they don’t have women friends because women are jealous of them? It’s really because they are such total uber bitches.

And you wanted to be around her because you knew, when you left, she would rip into you.

It wasn't all fun and games. Her backstabbing and lying did serious damage to people. One of our poor friends fell in love with her and she did things to him a cat wouldn't do to a mouse. She was, at her core, a sadist. And not the fun kind. She wanted to cause damage. 

Here is all you need to know about her: she hated dogs and kids. 

Worked with a guy in La Jolla later who was close to as awful as she was, but it just isn't as much fun to hate on him. Evil and vile women are so much more interesting. Women are supposed to be kinder and more loving than men.

The one thing I can give her was she was never boring. Not even close. 

Then came the moment when I flat out couldn’t take her anymore. Although I still don’t know why, she was friends of my friends for quite a while. But once I reached my limit, I couldn’t look at her without borderline nausea. Thinking about her now, more than 25-years later, makes me queasy.

Part of me wants to believe she will have her reckoning; when all the bad karma she has spewed buries her in an avalanche of emotional sewage and she suddenly drowns in the realization of how misspent and lonely her life was.

Nope, not even close.

She eventually married a rich guy and, as far as I know, she is content as a clam making everyone around her miserable when she isn’t out shopping and lunching making clerks and waiters miserable.

(They say you can judge a person by how they treat clerks and waiters? Like Ruth Madoff, she couldn't bring herself to look at waiters, she detested them so) 

Truth is, I am truly grateful I knew her. She was so god-awful she gave me appreciation for the vast majority of people who aren’t. My parents were great people who taught me people were born good and even bad people started out good, but for reasons not their fault, turned bad.

Not the case with her, she was simply a bad person down to her DNA. She was living, breathing proof that some people are not good. As tough as it sounds, it is better to know than not know it.

She never spawned a child as far as I know which is good. With her as a “mother” we’re looking at potential Jeffrey Dahmer sequel.

Can’t wait until she asks to be a Facebook friend.