Wednesday, April 03, 2013

Forgot to include this in best sports uniforms. How awesome are the UCLA uniforms? They even make Bill Walton look good. 

Look at that scrounge-hound go to town, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A report from the CDC claims one-in-five high school students has ADHD:

“What do we want?”
“A cure for ADHD.”
“When do we want it?”
“Look, a bird.”

While shooting hoops at the White House Easter Egg Hunt, President Obama missed 20-out-of 22 shots. Afterwards he was immediately traded to the Charlotte Bobcats.

Did you see the viral clip of President Barack Obama shooting hoops at the White House Easter Egg Hunt and missing 20 shots? Worst presidential shot since Clinton hit Monica’s blue dress.

The National Zoo had to artificially inseminate their female panda because the male panda refused to have intercourse with her. This is what happens when you name your male panda Ryan Seacrest.

USC has hired sweet 16 Cinderella FGCU coach, Andy Enfield, who is married to the lingerie super model, Amanda Marcum. The Enfields have received several “Welcome to USC” invitations from fraternities for a meet and greet brunch and wet t-shirt contest.

A report from the CDC claims one-in-five high school students have ADHD. You know what happens when you combine ADD with dyslexia? Dad!

Good news for that brave kid, Louisville’s Kevin Ware, who broke his leg against Duke, the operation went great and he is going to join his team in Atlanta to watch the final 4. Did you see his injury? It was the most gruesome thing in sports not counting Louie Anderson’s dive.

Since you asked:

Was talking to someone about diving due to “Splash” and how hard it is. It is one of those sports, like gymnastics, where you have to be a certain type to do it. Good athletes can play shortstop, guard, quarterback. But a diver has to be a diver.

Which reminded me that divers are basically the same type as gymnasts. And they are the biggest assh*les in the world.

For reasons I still can’t figure out, a guy I knew in high school was a gymnast at Long Beach City College. He was a nice enough guy and invited me to his gymnast parties. The other gymnasts? Silliest, goofiest pack of little monkey a-holes you have ever met.

The out-of-proportion egos on these guys was hard to believe. How could some jockey-douche competing for a city college think they were such hot poop? But they did.

Same thing when I got to Long Beach State. There was a diver living in our dorm who truly believed he was a rock star. There was a fair-to-good 24-foot long jumper who looked exactly like a midget Magic Johnson who wouldn’t even speak to people he deemed unworthy, which was everyone but a javelin throwing buddy of his. 

Dwight Stones never won a gold medal in the high jump, yet he truly had the ego of the Prime Minister of France. Everybody, and I mean everybody, associated with the Long Beach track team despised Stones due to his insanely rude arrogance.

We need to form a reality show called “Biggest Tools In Sports” and interview and film the most out-sized egomaniacs in all of sports. Because most people wouldn’t believe how much of a world class jerk a guy could be who is riding the bench for a crappy team at a crap college.

How great a show would it be to film a guy who is every bit as much of a psychopathic moron as was the Cleveland Indians’ Albert Belle, but he is a relief pitcher for Rancho Cucamonga City College?

Find the guy who is a runner up to second bobsled team who talks about himself in the third person. Or the backup outfielder on a minor league club who won’t talk to his teammates. Or the tennis player ranked #140 in the country who makes his mother carry his gear.

Here is a list of the sports, in my experience, who have the biggest tools participating:

#1 Cyclists. (They might be one and two) Those shaved-legs, spandex-wearing oxygen-thieves riding side-by-side out into traffic? They’re even bigger a-holes than you think. Even aging weekend warrior cyclists are as horrible as people as is Lance Armstrong.

#2 Gymnastics/Divers. Take all of the egomania of a prima donna ballet dancer, throw in a bad case of short-man’s disease and make him think he is a cool jock, and that is why gymnasts are such utter tools.

#3 Baseball players. Guys on the football team who were my good friends during football season turned into the biggest idiotic prank-pulling, immature potty-humor-minded morons when they played baseball. There is no dick joke too gross for a baseball player.

#4 Swimmers. They think they’re studs. They’re not, they’re dorks who spend all their time in a pool. There is nothing worse than a dork who thinks he’s a stud. (Think: Tiger Woods, but golfers are generally good dudes)

#5 Tennis players. Remember how embarrassingly John McEnroe used to behave? He was well-mannered next to the brats I saw playing at tournaments at the Winnetka Neilson Tennis Center. Tantrums were expected and approved.

#6 Soccer parents. Soccer players, except for the French, are pretty cool. Their parents are frustrated non-athletes who not only didn’t play soccer, didn’t play sports. But because they have reached some success in their line of work, they think they can transpose the back-stabbing and intensity that pays off in their job to their kid’s success in sports. They can’t. They’re dicks. Period. 

#7 20% of surfers. 80% of surfers are really cool, almost spiritual. But the 20% who are small-minded, stupid, stoned and territorial skateboard-yankers are so bad they ruin it for the 80%. If you hate someone because they surf a different style board than you do? You are, without any question, a world class schmuck.

#8 Sailors. Spoiled brat wanna-be athletes who are hyper-competitive to the brink of insanity. Think of that fat load, Dennis Connors.