We shoe dodgin’ up in this piece, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How cold is it?

It is cold and rainy here in Los Angeles, I was shaking like OJ Simpson when his cellmate told him he takes his juice in the can.

Foot in mouth

At an Iraqi press conference, President Bush deftly dodged two shoes thrown by an angry reporter, thus narrowly avoiding weapons of mass Desenex-tion.

Motto

At an Iraqi press conference, President Bush deftly dodged two shoes thrown by an angry reporter, I believe the reporter’s motto was: All the news that’s foot to print.

In the Muslim world, throwing shoes at someone is considered the highest insult whereas, in America, the highest insult is missing hitting a guy with two shoes from a mere 15 feet.

Bush may be a lame duck, but his dodge is pretty good.

That sums it up

President Bush has been busy listing his accomplishments while in office; only President Bush could be kept busy by listing President Bush’s accomplishments. For the rest of us it’s: Let’s see he didn’t burn down the White House, he dodged two shoes and, well, that’s about it.

Not good

With a win against the Kansas City Chiefs and a loss by the division leading Denver Broncos, the San Diego Chargers’ playoffs hopes are still alive. How alive? About as alive as that thing on Rod Blagojevich’s head.

Cold

With a win against the Kansas City Chiefs and a loss by the division leading Denver Broncos, the San Diego Chargers’ playoffs hopes are still alive. Did you see how cold it was in Kansas City? The Chargers almost froze their Rod’s and Blagojevich’s off.

Neither one is good

The Nebraska Butt Bandit, a vandal who smeared Vasoline on his naked butt and pressed it against windows, is going to jail for over a year. If there are two things you don’t want known about you in jail it’s that you’re called the Butt Bandit and you like Vasoline on your butt.

Uh, no Jessica, oh forget it

In a win over the New York Giants, Dallas Cowboy QB Tony Romo suffered a severe contusion to his lower back causing a possible hematoma, a huge bruise. When Romo’s girlfriend, Jessica Simpson, heard Romo had a hematoma, she said, “I thought he had a Mitsubishi?”

Local St. James sports stuff

The San Diego Padres have to be sold to help settle the owner, John Moore's, divorce. I never thought I'd say this, but why couldn't Moore have been married to Madonna?

The divorce got ugly when they were splitting the CDs and they both insisted the other take the Celine Dion albums.

Tiger Woods's caddie, Steve Williams insulted San Diegan Phil Michelson by falsely referencing about Phil a story of a fan shouting about man-boobs to Colin Montgomery. Which is ironic because Steve Williams is now the biggest boob of all.

Tiger Woods’s caddie, Steve Williams, insulted San Diegan Phil Michelson. Phil took the high road and did not point out that this Williams guy is not a teenager who carries somebody else’s golf clubs for a living. Apparently Williams couldn’t hack the newspaper paper route.

In fairness to the boorish and big-mouthed Williams, he is the caddie of the best player in the world. Which is like being the car washer to the stars.

Since you asked:

On the way up to the big soccer tournament, Virg asked Ann Caroline what she wanted Santa to bring her - I think she is just playing along on this Santa thing at this point - and she said she wanted a Razor scooter, skinny jeans and pencils that give off a nice smell. 

When Virg made the parental rookie mistake of asking "Is that all?" my brain went back to fifth grade when your job is to score as many presents as possible, so I would have had more requests at the ready until my folks called no joy.

What did Ann Caroline say when Virg asked; "Is that all?"

"Yes, that's it."

Time to look into the DNA test again to see if it is my kid. 

Couldn't sleep last night so I got up and watched Woody Allen's "Love and Death." I think that was one of Woody's last movies that was funny. Somebody really should go back and remake Woody's more recent movies into comedies. 

"Love and Death" is good. It overdoes the Marx Brothers routines and the "Immorality is subjective." "Subjectivity is Objective" existential verbal masturbation goes on and on, but it had some great lines. And, as Woody himself said in another one of his still funny movies, "Annie Hall" don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love." 

Great lines from "Love and Death"

When Diane Keaton's character suggests killing Napolean, Woody's character says;

"Have you been drinking from the Village Idiot's glass?"

Woody's character looks at his bloody gunshot wound and asks;

"Will this come out or is it like gravy?"

When Woody's character's lover compliments his love making skills he says;

"Thanks, I practice a lot when I am alone."

 Keaton's character asks the newly dead Woody Allen character;

"What's death like?"

"You know the chicken at Trotsky's?"

"Yes."

"It's worse."

Keaton's character:

No, sex without love is a shallow experience."

Woody's character;

"Yes, but as shallow experiences go it's one of the best."