Thursday, November 01, 2007

Get out, get out, get out wit’ yo’ bad self, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Let my Cameron go

San Diego Padres outfielder Mike Cameron faces a 25-game suspension for testing positive a banned substance a second time, this time amphetamines. Cameron only batted .242 and struck out a club record 160 times. Here’s my question: how crappy would he have been without the stimulants? The Padres should fine him for not taking enough stimulants.

This is the stupidest thing anyone named Cameron has done since one let Ferris Buehler take his dad’s fire engine red Ferrari 250 GT California for a spin.

All of these problems with a guy named Cameron lead to one question: What the hell happened to that hot young actress who played Sloan Peterson, Mia Sara? Her film career tested negative for stimulants.

Shocking turn of events
Viagra now has a warning label it can cause hearing loss. So now Viagra can cause blindness and hearing loss. Do you know what this means? Tom Cruise may actually have sex with Katie Holmes.

A 'tude on them calcetines rojos
Once the Boston Red Sox fans were plucky, loyal and loveable. Now, after two World Series wins in four years, BoSox fans are so cocky and obnoxious, the only difference between a Red Sox fan and a Yankee fan is how they pronounce chowder. Red Sox fans call it Chahhwhdahh, Yankee fans call it Frickin’ Soup.

Since you asked:
Great Halloween. First of all, we had one and our house wasn’t burned down and neither was anyone else's that we know well. (Of course we were thinnking about all the folks who did have their house burn) Second, AC and Virg dressed as Elisabeth Swann “Pirates of the Carribean.” I was sort of a Halloween Scrooge as I did not dress up.

But we had a fun pizza/beer/wine dinner down the street at the fun/cool parents house that they had all done up as a haunted house. Then they went trick or treating as I manned our house to hand out candy and watched “Young Frankenstein.”

Halloween ranks a solid fourth as the best holiday.

#1 is obviously Christmas or your equivalent. No need to go into all the reasons: it has it all, time off work and school, movies, songs, decorations, presents, cards, special foods, parties.

#2. Your birthday. This has huge advantages over Christmas as it is you day and you cannot screw up you day.

#3 Thanksgiving. This is big because you can’t screw it up by forgetting to get someone a card or present because there are no cards or presents. Just food and football and booze like the Pilgrims wanted it.

#4 Halloween. Halloween had a special importance to me as a closet creative person living in the Midwest, asI could go wild with my costume. No, I am not talking wearing a French upstairs maid outfit or dress up as Dorothy wild, but I put a lot of thought into my costumes. My mom shared this talent and I soon learned that putting time and effort into making your own costume was a lot more fun than going to the store to buy one.

And then, sadly, around seventh grade, when your main job is to try and be cool, and being cool is the one thing you aren’t any good at, Halloween is no longer cool. And it gets less cool the older you get as a teenager.

#5 Fourth of July. Come on now. Fireworks, barbeques, Norman Rockwell-like footraces in the Village Green of Winnetka that I almost always won as a kid. If you don't like the Fourth, go sign up for al Qaeda.

#6 St. Patricks Day

#7 All the other holidays, including other people's birthdays and anniversaries.

#22 Valentines Day. Someone once asked me "How can you be against a holiday that is about love?" Valentines Day is as much about love as St. Patricks Day is about Irish snakes. It is a scam, a marketing ploy, and a cheesy one at that.

Halloween underwent a serious revival for me when I transferred to UC Santa Banana. Suddenly Halloween was not only cool, it was a damn religious holiday. The party up and down La Playa in Isla Vista has to be seen to be believed. It was a glorious debacle. Many times I would be a lecherous pirate or, even better, a lecherous Groucho Marx. All the girls hoochied-up in their wonderfully slutty witch costumes, or hooker outfits or French upstairs maids outfits, and they couldn’t get enough of a grabby Groucho groping them as long as I did it in character with the voice and stooped cigar tapping strut.

And then I graduated and Halloween only lived on if I got invited to a good Halloween costume party, which I tried to do. But it seemed the Halloween magic was slowly evaporating for me. That is until I moved to New York City and witnessed an amazing thing: the Greenwich Village Halloween Parade.

Oh . . . my . . . word.

Yes, the Greenwich Village Parade is very gay, but it is also very wonderful. For all the guys in tutu’s tossing batons there are also wonderfully creative parade entrants from very creative advertising companies and such.

One of the most memorable sights was a straight line of twenty nuns wearing Groucho glasses-nose-mustache, lined up in single file in ascending height from a barely four feet tall midget in the front to seven feet tall giant at the back and every height in between in correct order. You had to see it, but it was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.