It is hard out here
What, what, what, what, what, what, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?
That could explain it
The Chicago Cubs opened their season with a 5-1 loss to the Cincinnati Reds, but I can’t help but be optimistic, thanks to new manager Lou Pinella, that this is the year for the Chicago Cubs. Of course, I also think that mechanical chimps on Pluto are controlling my thoughts.
Why am I the only person who likes this joke?
P. Diddy claims he and his girlfriend had tantric sex for 30 hours straight. As a result, P. Diddy is now so tired he is changing his name to P. Sitting Down.
And also the only one who likes this joke?
Sweden will not allow a heavy-metal-loving couple to name their newborn Metallica. Sweden will, oddly enough, allow them to name their child Toad the Wet Sprocket.
Not a package deal
The company that now owns the Chicago Cubs announced the team is for sale. Baseless blind optimism followed by crushing disappointment included. World Series sold separately.
Not good (Just kidding, Woodlies)
In San Diego, over four million gallons of sewage spilled into the ocean. It was so bad that San Diego had to temporarily change its name to Newark, NJ.
Targeting fine diners everywhere
The producers of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos announced they are opening a Girls Gone Wild chain of restaurants. This is for those discerning diners who find the atmosphere at Hooters too buttoned up and stuffy.
He must be stopped before more are hurt
There is speculation that Sinjaya could destroy “American Idol” by ruining its credibility by winning despite horrible performances. I’m not sure about that, but Sinjaya’s pony hawk has already brought down at least one Super Cuts we know of.
The Tally
Republican presidential candidates have disclosed their fundraising results to date. Mitt Romney has raised $23 million, Rudolph Guliani has raised $15 million and Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo has raised lots and lots of doubts.
He put the P in Oh Please
P. Diddy claims he and his girlfriend had tantric sex for 30 hours straight. Sadly, afterwards P. Diddy’s girlfriend had to seek medical treatment: it seems she over-Diddy’d.
Since you asked:
What is better than a mid-day snooze? Sadly, I don’t get to do it as much as I would like, but it sure do reset your dials back to zero is what it do. The key is not going longer than thirty minutes. If you do go too long you get all bubble-headed and your face doesn’t fit right for a couple hours.
Now that the Greek study revealed that a mid-day snooze lowers your risk of heart attacks by 39%, I don’t call them naps, I call them Heart Attack Prevention Procedure Yielding Sessions. Or HAPPYS.
Here is my question: what is the deal, when I am really, really tired and I go to nap, just as I am set to relax and doze off, I do that mini-jolt thing with my muscles? Not like the “Oh, I am about to wipe out taking this corner on my bike” dream where you snap awake in a full-blown panic, I mean those little taser-like spasms.
You now, when you look like a dog dreaming about chasing rabbits?
This is deep stuff, Slateens and Nugglies.
(Polite applause)
Lex is either a genius (just so you know, I spelled it genuis the first time) or an idiot.
Now, I don’t even know if I will be able to articulate this concept but here goes.
Let’s start out with the mind-numbing realization that there are now more than 300 million people in this country. Can you fathom that? No, of course not, nobody can. I can’t fathom one million people and it is 300 times that. It’s beyond comprehension but it is true.
Let me show you how a mathematically simple-minded person approaches the task of trying to comprehend one million people. Take the Rose Bowl. That holds one hundred thousand people. The Rose Bowl is huge and that is a lot of jamokes, but I can picture it.
Now, let’s make like Sesame Street’s “The Count” and start adding full Rose Bowls:
One Rose Bowl. Two, two Rose Bowls. Three Rose Bowls, ha ha ha ha. Four, four Rose Bowls. Five Rose Bowls. (Now I am starting to get like the guy who is trying to carry too many cantaloupes. I can handle five Rose Bowls but the sixth one keeps popping out)
So I only made it to half a million people. Multiply that times 600? Cow-looking-at-a-train time.
And yet everyone I know has visited either the White House, the Grand Canyon, Lombard Street in San Francisco, the Lincoln Memorial, the Statue of Liberty, Sunset Blvd, Pearl Harbor, the New York Stock Exchange, the “Cheers” bar in Boston, Congress etc. or all of the above.
But when I was at those famous places, there weren’t millions and millions of people, just a small handful of visitors. How is that possible?
Everyone I know has been to JFK’s grave. So how come the surrounding area isn’t crushed to dust from the impact of let’s say conservatively just 200 million people?
Not take that concept and multiply it by the six billion people in the entire world. Billion. You thought a million left me in the dust? How come there aren’t two hundred million people visiting the Eiffel Tower at one time? Big Ben? The Great Wall?
Something is fishy.
Maybe it goes back to the line in “Annie Hall” -or was it “Manhattan”? - where Diane Keaton tells Woody Allen;
“Yes, and if everyone in the entire world decided to go to the same restaurant on the same night there would be utter chaos, but it just doesn’t work that way.”
Again, this is deep, deep stuff we are working on here. I didn't get a harumph outta that guy.
That could explain it
The Chicago Cubs opened their season with a 5-1 loss to the Cincinnati Reds, but I can’t help but be optimistic, thanks to new manager Lou Pinella, that this is the year for the Chicago Cubs. Of course, I also think that mechanical chimps on Pluto are controlling my thoughts.
Why am I the only person who likes this joke?
P. Diddy claims he and his girlfriend had tantric sex for 30 hours straight. As a result, P. Diddy is now so tired he is changing his name to P. Sitting Down.
And also the only one who likes this joke?
Sweden will not allow a heavy-metal-loving couple to name their newborn Metallica. Sweden will, oddly enough, allow them to name their child Toad the Wet Sprocket.
Not a package deal
The company that now owns the Chicago Cubs announced the team is for sale. Baseless blind optimism followed by crushing disappointment included. World Series sold separately.
Not good (Just kidding, Woodlies)
In San Diego, over four million gallons of sewage spilled into the ocean. It was so bad that San Diego had to temporarily change its name to Newark, NJ.
Targeting fine diners everywhere
The producers of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos announced they are opening a Girls Gone Wild chain of restaurants. This is for those discerning diners who find the atmosphere at Hooters too buttoned up and stuffy.
He must be stopped before more are hurt
There is speculation that Sinjaya could destroy “American Idol” by ruining its credibility by winning despite horrible performances. I’m not sure about that, but Sinjaya’s pony hawk has already brought down at least one Super Cuts we know of.
The Tally
Republican presidential candidates have disclosed their fundraising results to date. Mitt Romney has raised $23 million, Rudolph Guliani has raised $15 million and Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo has raised lots and lots of doubts.
He put the P in Oh Please
P. Diddy claims he and his girlfriend had tantric sex for 30 hours straight. Sadly, afterwards P. Diddy’s girlfriend had to seek medical treatment: it seems she over-Diddy’d.
Since you asked:
What is better than a mid-day snooze? Sadly, I don’t get to do it as much as I would like, but it sure do reset your dials back to zero is what it do. The key is not going longer than thirty minutes. If you do go too long you get all bubble-headed and your face doesn’t fit right for a couple hours.
Now that the Greek study revealed that a mid-day snooze lowers your risk of heart attacks by 39%, I don’t call them naps, I call them Heart Attack Prevention Procedure Yielding Sessions. Or HAPPYS.
Here is my question: what is the deal, when I am really, really tired and I go to nap, just as I am set to relax and doze off, I do that mini-jolt thing with my muscles? Not like the “Oh, I am about to wipe out taking this corner on my bike” dream where you snap awake in a full-blown panic, I mean those little taser-like spasms.
You now, when you look like a dog dreaming about chasing rabbits?
This is deep stuff, Slateens and Nugglies.
(Polite applause)
Lex is either a genius (just so you know, I spelled it genuis the first time) or an idiot.
Now, I don’t even know if I will be able to articulate this concept but here goes.
Let’s start out with the mind-numbing realization that there are now more than 300 million people in this country. Can you fathom that? No, of course not, nobody can. I can’t fathom one million people and it is 300 times that. It’s beyond comprehension but it is true.
Let me show you how a mathematically simple-minded person approaches the task of trying to comprehend one million people. Take the Rose Bowl. That holds one hundred thousand people. The Rose Bowl is huge and that is a lot of jamokes, but I can picture it.
Now, let’s make like Sesame Street’s “The Count” and start adding full Rose Bowls:
One Rose Bowl. Two, two Rose Bowls. Three Rose Bowls, ha ha ha ha. Four, four Rose Bowls. Five Rose Bowls. (Now I am starting to get like the guy who is trying to carry too many cantaloupes. I can handle five Rose Bowls but the sixth one keeps popping out)
So I only made it to half a million people. Multiply that times 600? Cow-looking-at-a-train time.
And yet everyone I know has visited either the White House, the Grand Canyon, Lombard Street in San Francisco, the Lincoln Memorial, the Statue of Liberty, Sunset Blvd, Pearl Harbor, the New York Stock Exchange, the “Cheers” bar in Boston, Congress etc. or all of the above.
But when I was at those famous places, there weren’t millions and millions of people, just a small handful of visitors. How is that possible?
Everyone I know has been to JFK’s grave. So how come the surrounding area isn’t crushed to dust from the impact of let’s say conservatively just 200 million people?
Not take that concept and multiply it by the six billion people in the entire world. Billion. You thought a million left me in the dust? How come there aren’t two hundred million people visiting the Eiffel Tower at one time? Big Ben? The Great Wall?
Something is fishy.
Maybe it goes back to the line in “Annie Hall” -or was it “Manhattan”? - where Diane Keaton tells Woody Allen;
“Yes, and if everyone in the entire world decided to go to the same restaurant on the same night there would be utter chaos, but it just doesn’t work that way.”
Again, this is deep, deep stuff we are working on here. I didn't get a harumph outta that guy.
posted by Alex at
1:48 PM
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