This just in:

In San Diego, Councilman Michael Zucchet was mayor for one day before he was convicted of extortion involving a strip club. Even ex-con, ex-D.C. Mayor Marion Berry is saying; “Wow, that guy is good.”


Zucchet called a press conference to announce he was resigning as councilman. Gee, yah think? That’s like Michael Jackson announcing he will no longer perform at children’s birthday parties.




All the Federales say, they could've had him any day
They only let him slip away, out of kindness I suppose,
Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(“Pancho and Lefty”, Emmylou Harris version)

Stole my own joke
59-year-old Sylvester Stallone announced he is making “Rocky 6.” The big match in the film is held in Las Vegas and I believe it is billed as “The Geezers at Caesars.”

Not good
Mike Tyson said he wants to be porn star. I’m not sure that’s a good idea. At least when he was boxing, the only thing Tyson could bite off was an ear.

Sight joke
Remember Bo Derek in “10”? They are going to remake “10” starring Jessica Simpson. Or as Jessica calls “10.”(All fingers extended) This many.

Imagine that?
Lance Armstrong has a huge lead after 16 stages of the 22 stage “Tour de France.” Armstrong’s lead is so big, the French have already surrendered to him.

Right off the top
NFL player agent Drew Rosenhaus performed CPR to save a boy pulled unconscious from a pool at Disney World. The good news is the boy is going to be fine. The bad news? That boy will owe Rosenhaus 10% of everything he earns for the rest of his life.

Sorry, Slick Willy
At a ceremony with President Bush, four women from Northwestern’s NCAA championship woman’s Lacrosse team wore flip flops to the White House; in fact, there were more flip flops at the White House than if John Kerry had been elected.

An Army of Ton
Twenty percent of all male recruits and forty percent of all female recruits are too fat to serve in the military. I say they should just accept them, just change their slogan to; “We eat more before nine o’clock than most people eat all day.”

I wonder what Pamela’s attraction is to Tommy? Hmm?
The rumor is that Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson are married again. This marks their third marriage and a severe blow to guy’s theory that size does not matter.

Why does Pamela keep going back to Tommy Lee? The same reason women roll their eyes when guys say it’s not the size of the vessel but the motion of the ocean.

Sadly, a man in Washington State died after he was – I’m not sure how to put this – overly romanced by a stallion. In a related story, after hearing this, Pamela Anderson divorced Tommy Lee and is now engaged to that horse.

Aye
Sadly, Scotty from “Star Trek,” James Doohan, passed away at 85. Did you know that nobody actually said on the original “Star Trek” show, “Beam me up, Scotty”? That bit of trivia has been used a million of times by Trekkies on a date and it has never, ever, impressed one single woman.

Since you asked;
Lord help me, I love that Tour de France. Love the scenery, love the strategy, love the races, love the English accents on the O.L.N. announcers, Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen. Even like that Bob Roll guy who gestures with his hands like an Italian on crack playing Charades.

After a good work out, as I am getting ready to grill some marinated something or another, and I flip on my TiVo’d T.D.F. stage whatever, with my generous glass of red wine and pistacio nuts at the ready, I am one happy U.C.S.B. Fighting Gaucho alumnus. (Shameless alma mater plug)

The only suggestion I might have to the commentating team is for Phil to lighten up on the description of “the bronzed legs of the riders.” It gives me the same creepy feeling of when Michael Jackson reads a bedtime story. And somebody tell Sherwen the riders aren’t carrying any suitcases.

Right about now, Lance Armstrong reminds me of that rich kid who got early acceptance to his Dad’s Ivy League school. The other riders are all struggling like crazy studying for finals and he’s lounging by the Country Club pool in a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses sipping a boat drink. Who said life was fair? Not the French.

Just so you know:
Anyone who thinks Mark McGwire or Sammy Sosa should be in the Baseball Hall of Fame, I say fine on one condition: they only get in after Rosie Ruiz gets into the Marathon Hall of Fame, as they are all in the exact same category.

How about my man, Derek "Sammy who?" Lee? Leading the National League in hits, homers and second to another Lee in R.B.I.'s and that's only because everyone batting in front of Lee has been in a half-season slump.

Mark my words: Cubbies start their surge now.