Friday, February 11, 2005

Can you hook up a brozizzy one timeizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?
(We took up the nasty a notch or two for Friday)

A teacher in Tennessee is charged with having sex with her 13-year-old male student. That’s not the worst part. The student was home-schooled.

This is apparently part of a new teacher’s policy: “No child’s behind left.”

What is with all of these women teachers having sex with teenage boys? When I was in high school the only time we got screwed was when we paid for cafeteria food.

Boys in high school now have sex with the teachers. And that’s not just at the all-male Boston parochial schools.

Missing the obvious
Can you believe how many witnesses have testified that Robert Blake asked them to kill his wife? He asked practically everyone in Los Angeles except the one guy most qualified: O.J. Simpson.

Big change
New England assistant coach Romeo Crennel has been named head coach of the Cleveland Browns. Going from the Patriots to the Browns is like going from Heidi Klum to Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Those are OK
North Korea admitted they have nuclear weapons. When informed Korea has nuclear weapons, President Bush replied; “That’s OK, just as long as they don’t have them nuke-ah-lar weapons.”

And in these two corners . . .
Tonya Harding has packed on at least thirty pounds as a 3-3 professional boxer. Tonya is so big the temporary advertising tattoo she wears in the ring is Goodyear. Badaboom.

Tonya is so big, she doesn’t just live in a double wide, she is a double wide. Bingabang.

Tonya is so fat, Nancy Kerrigan could whack her knee, and Tonya wouldn’t feel it for two days. Boopdeboop.

Tonya Harding is so big her ring nickname is the Blubber clubber. Rapatatatbingboop.

Yah vull
A poll by the Daily Telegraph revealed that Britons think Prince William should become king of the U.K. instead of his father Prince Charles. And they think Prince Harry should become Fuehrer.

No problem
Canada ordered an Attention Deficit Disorder drug pulled off the shelves. Actually, due to their ADD, Canada didn’t have to pull the drug off the shelves, they forgot to put it out in the first place.

It’s official
A research team from Johns Hopkins University has discovered that a broken heart could lead to heart attacks. As a result, the leading cause of heart disease is now officially Angelina Jolie.

Whooooaaa, heeeyyy
A Detroit mother was arrested for bringing her son’s heroin to school for him. Apparently the kid was attending Ray Charles Junior High at the time.

Or something like that . . .
In Virginia, it is now a $50 fine if you show your underwear in public. This is part of their new program “No Child’s Left, or right, behind. ”

Who knew?
In an interview in “20-20” actor Corey Feldman said Michael Jackson exhibited inappropriate behavior when Feldman was a child. That is amazing. They’re still calling Corey Feldman an actor? I’m shocked.

That makes sense
Los Angeles Laker Karl Malone announced he is retiring from basketball. Apparently he wants to devote more time trying to date Kobe Bryant’s wife Vanessa.

In other words
Due to all the rain, houses in Anaheim are sliding down the hill at a rate of one inch per hour. Or as Donald Trump’s new wife calls one inch an hour: her honeymoon.

It could happen
Due to all the rain, houses in Anaheim are sliding down the hill at a rate of one inch per hour. Do you know what this means? At this rate, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim really could end up in Los Angeles.

Since you asked:
I have a new iPod inspired work out technique. It is easy. You make a rocking playlist. Mine includes Springsteen’s “Backstreets” the Stones “Bitch” “Can’t You Hear Me Knockin’” and “Midnight Rambler” the Black Crowe’s “Hard to Handle” Hendrix’s “Hey Joe.” Doobie’s “China Grove” Don Henley’s “I Will Not Go Quietly” and Creedence’s “Up Around the Bend” among others. When the truly rockin’ parts or choruses come up, you jam like crazy on the Nordic Elliptical machine. Or on a run. Be careful, though. Do not get too carried away. Nothing looks dorkier than someone rocking out when nobody else can hear the music.

That is one draw back about the magnificent iPod. You think air guitar or air drums look stupid? Try to imagine some goofball (me) playing air guitar, piano and drums and you can’t hear the music. I look like I’m waiting for the little yellow school bus to pull up to my house.