And Can I Get a Righteous "Hoobastank" from you one time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?
Get the drum kit ready
Can you believe that Michael Jackson showed up for his molestation trial in pajama bottoms? That’s like showing up for a domestic abuse trial in an Ike Turner t-shirt.
Yesterday, Michael Jackson showed up to his child molestation trial wearing pajama bottoms.
That’s like showing up to your drug trial wearing an Ozzie Osbourne t-shirt.
Who wears pajama bottoms to a child molestation trial? That’s like wearing a Kobe Bryant jersey to a sexual harassment trial.
Who wears pajama bottoms to a molestation trial? What’s he going to wear tomorrow? A clown suit?
Can you believe that Michael Jackson showed up for his molestation trial in pajama bottoms? As if he wasn’t in enough trouble, now Michael Jackson will be charged with impersonating Hugh Hefner.
Gag this, Judge
The court overturned the gag order and ruled that Jay Leno can tell jokes about Michael Jackson. The judge went on to add, however, that he will have to lighten up on the Camilla Parker Bowles jokes.
Or something like that . . .
Tennis star Martina Navratilova is suing the makers of a gay credit card for using her name without permission. I think the gay credit card is called American Expresso. You can only use it in chic coffee shops.
Too far
A high school teacher in Fresno, CA is charged with smoking pot with his students. What is going on? Teachers are having sex and smoking pot with students? I believe in college preparation but this is too much.
You know what you call a high school student who has never done drugs nor had sex with a teacher? Home schooled.
I’m starting to really feel like a loser. When I was a kid I never had sex with a teacher. Hell, even my priest didn’t try anything. I feel so unwanted.
That’s not nice
J. Lo’s husband, Marc Anthony, said he painted a nude portrait of J. Lo. Unfortunately, when it came time to finish her ass, he had to hire a spray gun.
Now, that stinks
The ex-girlfriend of Britney Spears husband, Kevin Federline, said Federline had bad hygiene and smelled. How bad did he smell? She said Federline was a one man white trash garbage strike.
Hate to hear that
Former “Baywatch” star Michael Bergin was charged with drunk driving. It gets worse for Michael. When his boss heard about it, he fired Bergin as his Pizza Hut delivery boy.
Just like us
The Jury is still out on the Robert Blake trial. Why is it taking so long? Like everyone else, they’ve been watching the Michael Jackson trial and forgot all Robert Blake.
Ah, that wonderful time of year is approaching. When Lex can rip those dog-ass Mets
Baseball is in a full-blown drug scandal. If the New York Mets did take steroids, the steroid makers would have been obligated to give them their money back for failing to enhance their performances.
Since you asked:
Pet peeve update.
Yes, it took a whole week, but I have another pet peeve: Same-time-phone talkers.
You know what I mean. They are the verbal equivalent of those people who pull on the car door handle right when you try and hit the unlock button. The telephone version of the zig when you zag walker until it looks like you are practically freakin’ dancing. I’m always the one who stands still and says “Go ahead.”
One time I swear I was talking to a computer tech guy who would only talk right when I talked. Finally I had to act like General George S. Patton when the tanks were gridlocked at the muddy intersection. Climbed right on the oil drum and directed traffic: “OK, you stop talking, I’m going to start. OK, you can talk now.”
Part of the problem with same-time-talkers, or S.T.T.’s is due to a slight delay in the cell phone reception. That brief pause is enough to cause some serious same-time-talking. But that is no excuse. Wait for your turn.
Now, anyone who has seen me at a party or at dinner is laughing at my hypocrisy right now. True, I consider when someone inhales an invitation to talk. That I came by naturally. When we had lively discussions at our house it was neither for the meek nor faint of heart conversationalist. Our dinner talks were more like tag team wrestling matches. That why I learned how to be funny. Getting someone to laugh was the only way to get them to stop talking for a second. But that is different. It’s OK to have more than one conversation in a social situation.
But the phone is another matter. By its nature only one person can go at once. Especially on speaker phone. You get shut down completely by same-time-talkers on speaker phones. One more reason why it should never be used. It’s infuriating. It’s as if the phone is saying “Would one of you shut up?”
You want to get off the speaker phone? Do what I do. Start swearing like a drunken sailor that just hammered his thumb and that person will pull a muscle yanking you off the office loudspeaker. It is always worth a laugh.
Which brings me to my favorite office message story.
One day I call my buddy Bryan up in Los Angeles at his fancy schmancy Century City offices. (Think that actor guy Peter Gallager) When his brand new secretary answered the phone, she had a very thick Russian accent. Boing. You could almost see the underhanded light bulb go off in my head.
“Bryan is being in wery, wery important meeting and is not to be disturbeded” she said in her broken English.
“Listen. This is an emergency,” I lied through my teeth. “You need to break into that meeting and give him this message word for word the way I give it to you, do you hear me? It is vitally important that you do exactly as I say.” I sounded like that Keifer Sutherland guy on “24.”
She assured me she understood, and after a little coaching, she burst into the board meeting filled with all of Bryant’s top clients and his boss and she yelled out at the top of her lungs in her thick Russian accent:
“Everybody is to go overboard, Mooses and Squirrels first.”
Five minutes later Bryan called me, crying with laughter.
“You bastard. We had to cancel the meeting everyone was laughing so hard.” And just why did he assume that I had done it? Oh, alright.
That poor secretary never did understand why, whenever I called, I told her to tell Bryan it was from "Boris Darlink."
And that’s how we play “Lex messes with the livelihood of his friends who have real jobs.”
Get the drum kit ready
Can you believe that Michael Jackson showed up for his molestation trial in pajama bottoms? That’s like showing up for a domestic abuse trial in an Ike Turner t-shirt.
Yesterday, Michael Jackson showed up to his child molestation trial wearing pajama bottoms.
That’s like showing up to your drug trial wearing an Ozzie Osbourne t-shirt.
Who wears pajama bottoms to a child molestation trial? That’s like wearing a Kobe Bryant jersey to a sexual harassment trial.
Who wears pajama bottoms to a molestation trial? What’s he going to wear tomorrow? A clown suit?
Can you believe that Michael Jackson showed up for his molestation trial in pajama bottoms? As if he wasn’t in enough trouble, now Michael Jackson will be charged with impersonating Hugh Hefner.
Gag this, Judge
The court overturned the gag order and ruled that Jay Leno can tell jokes about Michael Jackson. The judge went on to add, however, that he will have to lighten up on the Camilla Parker Bowles jokes.
Or something like that . . .
Tennis star Martina Navratilova is suing the makers of a gay credit card for using her name without permission. I think the gay credit card is called American Expresso. You can only use it in chic coffee shops.
Too far
A high school teacher in Fresno, CA is charged with smoking pot with his students. What is going on? Teachers are having sex and smoking pot with students? I believe in college preparation but this is too much.
You know what you call a high school student who has never done drugs nor had sex with a teacher? Home schooled.
I’m starting to really feel like a loser. When I was a kid I never had sex with a teacher. Hell, even my priest didn’t try anything. I feel so unwanted.
That’s not nice
J. Lo’s husband, Marc Anthony, said he painted a nude portrait of J. Lo. Unfortunately, when it came time to finish her ass, he had to hire a spray gun.
Now, that stinks
The ex-girlfriend of Britney Spears husband, Kevin Federline, said Federline had bad hygiene and smelled. How bad did he smell? She said Federline was a one man white trash garbage strike.
Hate to hear that
Former “Baywatch” star Michael Bergin was charged with drunk driving. It gets worse for Michael. When his boss heard about it, he fired Bergin as his Pizza Hut delivery boy.
Just like us
The Jury is still out on the Robert Blake trial. Why is it taking so long? Like everyone else, they’ve been watching the Michael Jackson trial and forgot all Robert Blake.
Ah, that wonderful time of year is approaching. When Lex can rip those dog-ass Mets
Baseball is in a full-blown drug scandal. If the New York Mets did take steroids, the steroid makers would have been obligated to give them their money back for failing to enhance their performances.
Since you asked:
Pet peeve update.
Yes, it took a whole week, but I have another pet peeve: Same-time-phone talkers.
You know what I mean. They are the verbal equivalent of those people who pull on the car door handle right when you try and hit the unlock button. The telephone version of the zig when you zag walker until it looks like you are practically freakin’ dancing. I’m always the one who stands still and says “Go ahead.”
One time I swear I was talking to a computer tech guy who would only talk right when I talked. Finally I had to act like General George S. Patton when the tanks were gridlocked at the muddy intersection. Climbed right on the oil drum and directed traffic: “OK, you stop talking, I’m going to start. OK, you can talk now.”
Part of the problem with same-time-talkers, or S.T.T.’s is due to a slight delay in the cell phone reception. That brief pause is enough to cause some serious same-time-talking. But that is no excuse. Wait for your turn.
Now, anyone who has seen me at a party or at dinner is laughing at my hypocrisy right now. True, I consider when someone inhales an invitation to talk. That I came by naturally. When we had lively discussions at our house it was neither for the meek nor faint of heart conversationalist. Our dinner talks were more like tag team wrestling matches. That why I learned how to be funny. Getting someone to laugh was the only way to get them to stop talking for a second. But that is different. It’s OK to have more than one conversation in a social situation.
But the phone is another matter. By its nature only one person can go at once. Especially on speaker phone. You get shut down completely by same-time-talkers on speaker phones. One more reason why it should never be used. It’s infuriating. It’s as if the phone is saying “Would one of you shut up?”
You want to get off the speaker phone? Do what I do. Start swearing like a drunken sailor that just hammered his thumb and that person will pull a muscle yanking you off the office loudspeaker. It is always worth a laugh.
Which brings me to my favorite office message story.
One day I call my buddy Bryan up in Los Angeles at his fancy schmancy Century City offices. (Think that actor guy Peter Gallager) When his brand new secretary answered the phone, she had a very thick Russian accent. Boing. You could almost see the underhanded light bulb go off in my head.
“Bryan is being in wery, wery important meeting and is not to be disturbeded” she said in her broken English.
“Listen. This is an emergency,” I lied through my teeth. “You need to break into that meeting and give him this message word for word the way I give it to you, do you hear me? It is vitally important that you do exactly as I say.” I sounded like that Keifer Sutherland guy on “24.”
She assured me she understood, and after a little coaching, she burst into the board meeting filled with all of Bryant’s top clients and his boss and she yelled out at the top of her lungs in her thick Russian accent:
“Everybody is to go overboard, Mooses and Squirrels first.”
Five minutes later Bryan called me, crying with laughter.
“You bastard. We had to cancel the meeting everyone was laughing so hard.” And just why did he assume that I had done it? Oh, alright.
That poor secretary never did understand why, whenever I called, I told her to tell Bryan it was from "Boris Darlink."
And that’s how we play “Lex messes with the livelihood of his friends who have real jobs.”
posted by Alex at
3:33 PM
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