Friday, January 21, 2005

We all kinds of crazizzy in this here hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

One from column B
In Los Angeles Harbor, a cargo container was packed with 32 illegal Chinese immigrants. The good news? It didn’t contain any M.S.G.

How . . . cold . . . was . . . it?
It has been so cold in Minnesota, Randy Moss pantomimed freezing his butt off.

Wild thang
Wild inaugural balls last night. First daughter Jenna Bush got so wasted last night, today they had to wake her up with jolts from Dick Cheney’s defibrillator.

Wild inaugural balls last night. First daughter Jenna Bush got so drunk today she woke up and had Bill O’Reilly’s cell phone number on her speed dial.

Not clear on the meaning
Political analysts and historians say that President Bush’s inaugural speech indicates an interventionist position. When asked if he took an interventionist position, Bush said; “No, Laura and I aren’t as flexible as we used to be.”

Doy dah doy dah doy egh egh egh egh egh egh
Conservative Christian groups say the cartoon Sponge Bob Square Pants, Barney and Winnie the Pooh promote homosexuality. Really? I don’t think so. Now, Popeye, sure. Come on, a vegetarian sailor whose motto is “I am what I am” and his expression is “blow me down”? He’s gayer than a porcelain bowl of potpourri.

This is why friends shouldn’t let friends blog drunk
The creators of “The Simpsons” have announced they are going to "out" one of their characters as gay. I think it’s that cousin of Homer and Mo the bartender. You know: Homo.

Did you see that shot of John Kerry at the inauguration? He was not happy. Even Kerry’s wife Teresa couldn’t cheer Kerry up, she tried everything: flashing her checkbook, her TRW, her stock portfolio, her ATM card, nothing worked.

Ewwwww and brrrrrrrrr
It looked cold at the inauguration. It was so cold Bill Clinton’s intern’s dress stain froze solid.

Not happy
A lot of people complained about the food at the inaugural balls. The liberals didn’t like that the chickens only had right wings.

That explains it
I noticed, at the inauguration, that England’s Prince Harry wasn’t there. He was home resting a bad case of the shin splints from all of his goose-stepping.

Good ol’ Aunt Dottie
A study in the New England Journal of Medicine claims a drink of booze keeps older women more clear-headed. If that were true my Aunt Dottie could solve the conflict in the Middle East.

Do the math
The President of Harvard, Larry Summers, had to apologize after his remark at an academic conference that women were less able to succeed at math careers. He said specifically to the dozen of women professors he insulted, he’d like to apologize to all fourteen of them.

Since you asked;
Is there anything more annoying - or more fun to pick on- than a world class hypocrite? We have this local news anchor who is also a full time, born-again Christian minister. The problem? When I knew of him many years ago in the rocking late '80's San Diego/La Jolla single bar scene, he used to cash in on his marginal local newscaster fame to get weak-minded girls to deliver beer, pizza and a booty call to his apartment. He'd then kick them out and then laugh and brag to his buddies - or anybody who would listen to him - about it later. Trust me, he was righteously oily. This big oaffy clown is now a minister. Perfect. Now, I can't say his name, but it rhymes with Sham Swiller.

I'm not sure where he is a minister, but I'm guessing it's the Church of Poon, Pepperoni and Pabst Blue Ribbon.

What a tool.