Friday, January 14, 2005

Now don’t go and be be a playah hate-ah up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s good to be King
Don King is suing ESPN for defamation of character. Now, I’m not a legal expert, but don’t you actually have to have some character before it can be defamed?
In a recent interview, Star Jones says that her extravagant wedding was “for the 8-year-old in me.” Upon hearing this, emergency rescue crews were dispatched to try and free the 8-year-old trapped in Star Jones.

That is the question
A new study claims that William Shakespeare suffered from sexually transmitted diseases. It was so bad, they now think Shakespeare’s famous Hamlet soliloquy actually began; “To pee or not to pee . . . “

Not since then, huh?
The NFL fined Randy Moss $10,000 for his "mooning" act in Green Bay. That's the most anyone has had to pay for pretending to take off their pants since Liza Minelli married David Gest.

Shouldn’t be too hard to find
In Iraq, 28 prisoners escaped from Abu Ghriab prison. It should be easy to spot 28 naked guys wearing black hoods and dog collars, unless, of course, they escaped to San Francisco.

You flipped me, Kobe
Kobe Bryant hurt his ankle and will be out for a while. He had a lot of misery followed by massive swelling. Sort of the opposite of what happened to Kobe in Colorado where he had the swelling then the misery.

Hate to see that
Major League Baseball has implemented a much stricter steroid policy. In fact, third time offenders will be kicked out of professional baseball entirely. That’s right, they have to go play for the New York Mets.

Now, was that nice?
In sad news, the 70’s pop group co-founder of Bread, Jimmy Griffin, passed away. On the bright side, English teachers can now rest easier knowing the guy who helped write the lyrics “Baby I’m a want you” is gone.

We kid the disgusting perv
In Romania, a couple named their baby Yahoo because they met online in Yahoo's personal ads. In a related story, Fox News’ Bill O'Reilly named his new blow up doll Barely Legal Lesbian.

Apologies to Woody from “Cheers”
President Bush is preparing for the presidential oath. This swearing in ceremony will take longer than other presidential oaths. Bush can only repeat after the Chief Justice Rhenquist one word at a time: “Repeat.” “Repeat” “After.” “After.” “Me.” “Me.”