Thursday, January 20, 2005

You so money, road dog Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How upset was she?
Angelina Jolie continues to vehemently deny she split up Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston. When she first heard the accusation, Jolie was so upset she nearly fell off her current co-star.

How cold was it?
The entire country is experiencing a cold snap, with temperatures in some places as low as 50 degrees below zero. It was so cold in Washington, President Bush had to borrow a flannel shirt from Dick Cheney’s daughter.

How married are they?
Donald Trump is getting married for the third time this weekend. However, this is only the first marriage for his fiancé Melania Knauss as well as the first marriage for Trump’s hairpiece.

Their vows are very up-to-date: “Donald, do you promise to love, honor and cherish ‘till Angelina Jolie you do impart?”

Trump is serious about making this marriage work. To show how serious, Trump plans to spend as much time working on his marriage as he does working on his hair.

How bird-like are they?
The Atlanta Falcons face the Philadelphia Eagles in the NFC battle of the feathered mascots. In a desperate attempt to improve their fortunes, today the San Francisco Forty Niners changed their name to the Bay Area Big Birds.

How wild are they?
The North County Humane Society in San Diego held a gala to raise money for homeless animals. Didn’t homeless animals used to be referred to as wild animals? Apparently, the animals found the term wild offensive and prefer the more politically correct term homeless.

How greedy is she?
In an interview J. Lo said she is sick of her moniker, J. Lo and wants to be known as Jennifer. However, for those people interested in purchasing any of her J. Lo lines of underwear, perfume, jewelry, and lawn care products, the name J. Lo is still in effect.

How violated is she?
Someone has been hacking into Paris Hilton’s computer and reading her e-mail. Paris said she felt so violated she had half a mind to have someone videotape her.

How relevant to my life is it?
The NHL players and owners are meeting in Chicago to decide if there will be any games played this season. In other equally-relevant-to-my-life news, Prince Harry wore a “Pull My Finger” t-shirt.

How sad is he?
Can you believe it was a year ago that John Kerry won the Iowa caucus and Howard Dean gave his red-faced rant? Today Dean is back in Vermont practicing medicine and Kerry is back in Massachusetts driving his wife Teresa’s limo.

How big is it?
Air Bus is building a double-deck jumbo jet that seats 800 people. It’s so big the airlines will be able to lose your luggage while it’s still on the plane.

800 people on the plane will be tough on the flight attendants. That is a 1,600 knees to hit with a beverage cart.

How glad are we?
Hollywood continues to stagger from the dreaded Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston’s break up. Thank goodness we still have that rock of an entertainment marriage: Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown.

How much does that include?
Paris Hilton now charges $300,000 for a personal appearance. But that does include the copy of her videotape.

How . . . oh forget it
There are now two companies that claim to make recreational vehicles that could withstand nuclear radiation. Can you imagine? After the big ones go off, a world of nothing left but people drinking beer out of those tubes plastic tubes from cans on their hard hats.

This explains it
Another pilot, this time on Air Trans, was caught drunk in the cockpit. No wonder I can never get a drink in coach, the flight attendants are too busy serving the pilots.

Not clear on the concept
The New York Post reports John Kerry and Al Gore are going to run in 2008. Upon hearing this, President Bush said; “Goody, I can win a third term.”

Works for us in California
For the upcoming election in Iraq, the US troops say they will seal off the borders. For the U.S., sealing off the borders means that the only people who can come in to the country are those that want to.

Since you asked;

OK, for a while there we were hit pretty hard with rain, but luckily for us, we didn’t get much damage. We lost a small tree in the backyard but that was it. Knock on wood. Many folks had it much worse. Wrigley and Kasey had it the toughest with the rain. My word can that Wrigley whine when he gets a little wet. It's been over a week and he still looks up when he goes outside to check if it's raining. His whining in the rain could melt a heart of stone. You’d think he was in acid rain. You’ve got a waterproof oil on your fur, Wrigger-digger dog, don’t be afraid to use it.

But man, oh man is it beautiful here now. Check out the Buick Open television coverage at Torrey Pines (an eight mile bike ride away) and drink a shot of Jagermiester every time an announcer says how nice it is. You’ll be schnackered before Gary McCord says something stupid. (We kid the mustache, he is great)