Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Don’t be half-steppin’ up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Who knew?
A British tabloid claims “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell wants to dump his girlfriend, but she has threatened suicide if he does. That is shocking. I can’t believe it. Simon Cowell is straight.

Not pretty
Now it looks like Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston have to go to court to settle the details of their break up. There could be a nasty battle over who gets custody of David Schwimmer.

That’s mean
The theme for the inauguration is “Celebrating Freedom and Honoring Service.” This is better than their first idea; “Celebrating that the Democrats Nominated John Kerry.”

You have to feel a little sorry for John Kerry during in inauguration celebrations. It’s like making the losing contestants from “The Bachelor” watch the Byron and Mary wedding video.

My mistake. Well, her’s as well . . .

“American Idol” aired tonight. That’s where you get to see a really horrible singer make a fool of herself in front a huge television audience. No, wait, sorry, that was Ashlee Simpson’s Orange Bowl halftime show. I’m confused.

Singhing the blues
Vijay Singh’s caddy, Dave Renwick, quit claiming the number one golfer, Singh, was unfriendly and negative. The final straw was the time Vijay showed up to the driving range in a Nazi shirt.

The bad news is that the caddy for the number one golfer, Vijay Singh, quit citing a personality conflict. The personality conflict? Unlike Vijah, the Caddy actually has one.

The bad news is that the caddy for the number one golfer, Vijay Singh, quit citing a personality conflict. But don’t worry, Regis Philbin will take his place.

Not good
At the Tsunami Aid: Concert of Hope, Madonna sang John Lennon’s “Imagine” to extremely mixed reviews. Some felt watching Madonna sing John Lennon was like watching Hamlet performed by Carrot Top.

The next sound you hear
CBS has approached “Today Show” host Katie Couric about possibly replacing outgoing news anchor Dan Rather. That noise you just heard? Legendary newsman Edward R. Murrow spinning in his grave.

That’s not right
On a sad note, the guy who wrote the ad slogan “Got Milk?” passed away. The embarrassing part? He died of lactose intolerance.

Seven years ago President Clinton said “I did not have sex with that woman.” Here is my question: has anyone finally gotten around to getting that blue dress of Monica’s cleaned?

One two team
On the red carpet at the Golden Globe awards were Joan and Melissa Rivers. They’re a good team: Joan asks the questions while Melissa catches the celebrities that pass out from the fright of looking at Joan.

Poor John
You have to feel sorry for John Kerry. He can’t watch the inauguration until he’s done all of his chores, or Teresa won’t give him his allowance.

We kid the Wang
The inauguration is very exciting with everyone getting all dressed up. You know who Dick Cheney’s daughter will be wearing? Vera Wang. Not the designer dress, the actual designer, Vera Wang.

Cutting corners
President Bush has come under criticism for spending $40 million on the inauguration. Give him credit, Bush tried to cut corners where he could. You know all of the parade route construction? It was all built for free by Dick Cheney’s daughter.

In the end he gets something

The bad news for Minnesota Viking hot dog Randy Moss is that, in addition to a $10,000 fine, he continues to get bad press for pantomime “mooning” of the Green Bay crowd. The good news? Moss’s agent had a real good endorsement meeting with the folks at Preperation H.

Since you asked

Bare with me, I am in computer hell again. Should be OK by the end of the week.

So I walk into the kitchen to my daughter clicking away on one of those plastic disposable cameras at our dogs. The dogs were curled up together sleeping outside on the deck and apparently my daughter thought this was photo worthy.

“How many pictures have you taken?” I asked. The reason I asked this? We’ve had film developed that came back as four regular pictures and twenty shots of Ann Caroline’s stuffed bunny, Blueberry. A.C. is sort of a six-year-old Monet photographer. She believes in depecting the same image in differant lights.

“How many pictures did you take?”

“One.” she replied sheepishly.

“Are you sure? I heard a couple of clicks when I came in.”


“We just got this camera and now there are no pictures left. How many did you take?”


“Ann Caroline, we’ll know exactly how many you took when we develop the film, so don’t fib.”

She thinks about this for a while and then she says;


That’s my girl. Never fess up until confronted with undeniable evidence. We are now accepting applications for my daughters campaign manager.