Saturday, January 15, 2005

We gotta got ourselves ahizzead wit da bizznizzill, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Royals gone wild
In the latest in a series of bad behavior, Prince Harry wore a Nazi shirt to a costume party. How is that Royal family inbreeding working out? Maybe it’s time to pour some more water in the Royal gene pool.

It’s true, Prince Harry wore a Nazi shirt to a costume party. When a British behavioral expert said he knew how to correct Prince Harry’s bad behavior, Harry’s father, Prince Charles, said; “I’m all ears.”

He hasn’t learned. Prince Harry already has his Osama bin Laden costume picked out for Halloween.

Prince Harry has been caught cheating in class, been seen drunk, stoned and now he made a really stupid decision. Harry is simply not fit to be in line to be the King of England. Now, President of the United States, sure, he’d be perfect for U.S. president, but not the King of England.

Prince Harry’s behavior has been so erratic, in England, many are starting to worry Harry won’t be capable of pulling off his future Royal responsibility: doing absolutely nothing at all.

In military terms that is
Major League Baseball is now cracking down on steroid use where they virtually ignored performance enhancing drug use before. In short, they’ve gone from don’t ask, don’t tell, to don’t mask, don’t swell.

Really drunk
In Las Vegas, a pilot for Air Tran Airways was kicked off his flight for being drunk. He must have been really drunk because in Las Vegas, if you can put a chip down on a table or pull a slot machine handle, you’re considered sober.

It's called the Clay Aiken "Don't ask, Don't shell" gun
The Pentagon revealed they were working on a weapon that would turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals. Here’s how it worked: right after they launched the enemy-soldiers-turned-into-homosexual weapon, they simply play Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” on loudspeakers and march in while they’re busy dancing.

Was creating a weapon that turns the enemy into homosexuals such a good idea? Just because they’re turned into homosexuals, that doesn’t mean they won’t fight. Just ask that poor guy at the Phoenix airport that got bitch-slapped by Richard Simmons.

Since then
The NFL fined Randy Moss $10,000 for his "mooning" act in Green Bay. That’s the most somebody’s had to pay for almost taking off their pants since Britney Spears settled to annul her 55-hour first marriage.

I can't work like this

Several witnesses have testified that Robert Blake’s actions seemed insincere following his wife’s shooting. For example, it didn’t help Blake’s case when he kept asking everyone; “OK, now what’s my motivation in this “My wife’s been shot” scene again?”

Since you asked:

My wife just got back from her spin class all excited. Her instructor is this amazingly fit and inspiring pretty woman (I’ve seen her at the gym) with a prosthetic leg up to her hip. My wife, Virginia, said it was very motivating when the woman would encourage them to push. Virg thought, if she can do it with an artificial leg, I should be able to do it. To which I replied,

“Yeah, or you could just write it off to the fact that steel alloy doesn’t get tired.”

What in the hell is wrong with me, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?