Talk to the hand, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Recycle bin talking
World chess champion Garry Kasparov played his supercomputer opponent, Deep Junior, to a draw in the second game of their Man vs. Machine showdown. And if you don’t think going against a computer is serious, look at Pete Townsend, his computer could send him to jail.

It was lucky the match came off at all; the computer was out all night in Tijuana the night before.

Heads he’s out, tails he’s out
The Detroit Lions fired their coach Marty Mornhinwig. Actually, they flipped a coin on whether to give him a big raise or fire him. Marty won the big raise, but he chose to be fired instead.

As the worm turns
An Internet "worm” attacked global Internet services. Remember the good old days ten years ago when the only Internet worms were the dorks who were actually on the Internet?

The S.I. swimsuit issue is when?
Sports fans, the Super Bowl is over, the NBA basketball playoffs are far off, March Madness is a long way off and baseball is months away. How bad is it? Some guys are so desperate they are asking their wives what they want to do this weekend.

Raider Deflation
Rumor has it the Oakland Raiders are tens of million over the salary cap, their players are old, and they were humiliated in the Super Bowl and now a pro bowl player is in the hospital on suicide watch. In short, compared to Raider Nation, the nation of Iraq is in pretty good shape.

The story around the NFL is that Oakland Raider owner Al Davis basically sold his soul to win the Super Bowl this year, and now they are in trouble. Davis sold his soul? Wouldn’t he have to have a soul before he could sell one?

The Oakland Raiders are many million over the salary cap, their players are old, they were crushed in the Super Bowl and their pro bowl center, Barrit Robbins, is in the hospital on suicide watch. In short, the slope the Raiders are headed down is more slippery than Al Davis’comb.

Is there anything movie stars don’t know?
Desert Storm leader General Schwarzkopf says he needs more information before he can formulate an opinion on what to do with Iraq. All a military expert like Schwarzkopf needs to do is talk to Barbra Striesand and Susan Sarandon and any other movie star, they seem to know everything.

Susan Sarandon said she's weary of being labeled ``anti-American'' because she has questioned the Bush administration's policy toward Iraq. She’s weary? We have to listen to her.

The big question is are we going to attack Iraq? You know the good thing about bombing Iraq back to the stone age? They’re so backward, it will only take about three hand grenades to get them back to the stone age.

State of the Onion, uh, I mean Union . . .
Did you hear President Bush’s State of the Union address? It drives English teachers crazy the way Bush pronounces Nuclear: Nuke-Uh-Ler. Give him a break, five years ago he pronounced it; “That big ol’ bomb thingy.”