Tuesday, January 28, 2003

Steal Away, Little Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, steal away

Take a little off at the dignity
Have you seen “The Today Show” recently? What is going on with Matt Lauer’s hair? Matt’s been having a bad hair year. Does his barber use a cheese grater?

What else would they do?
After the Super Bowl game was over in San Diego, in Oakland there was rioting, fighting, looting and destruction. Or, as they call that in Oakland: Sunday night. Rioters in Oakland burned cars and looted stores. When asked why they were so angry about the Super Bowl loss, the rioters replied; “We lost the Super Bowl?”

And the loser is . . .
It was a big mystery why Pro Bowl Oakland Raiders center Barret Robbins was absent from the game. We know now what happened: it turns out “The Bachelorette” Trista voted him out.

Cheer up, or take off the stupid outfit
Is there anything sadder than a guy with silver and black painted face, spiked shoulder pads and spiked dog collar, walking out of a stadium all depressed? The only thing more humiliating would to be a losing contestant in the Anna Nicole Smith look-alike contest. Or the winner of the Richard Simmons look-alike contest.

Thanks for coming, now stay away
Many people in San Diego are worried that San Diego looked too good on Super Bowl Sunday, beautiful, clear, 80 degrees, and, as a result, too many people will move here making it even more crowded. In fairness, San Diego isn’t always like it was Sunday. Sometimes it gets all the way down to 65 degrees.

Bubble Boy
To frozen Midwesterners and Easterners who are thinking about moving to San Diego after watching the Super Bowl, proceed at your own risk. As a native Chicagoan, I never once complained about Chicago’s often incredibly tough weather. Now, after 15 years in San Diego, I am an official weather wimp. I cannot leave San Diego for fear of confronting real weather. I’m like the boy in the bubble. 68 degrees? Too cold. 80 degrees? Too hot. There are orchids that can take more weather than I can. In fairness to the people in crowded San Diego who are worried that the Super Bowl coverage made San Diego look too good and too many people will move out here, ABC will show coverage of our huge traffic jams, long lines at Starbucks and a copy of an average property tax.

Sounds of silence
Now that the Super Bowl is over, you can almost hear the eerie silence in San Diego; that eerie silence is primarily due to the fact that Keyshawn Johnson and Warren Sapp are no longer talking here.

Badges? We don’ need no stinkin’ badges.
There is a sense of relief in San Diego now that the Raider fans are gone. It’s like being the Sheriff of a little desert* town who watches the Hells Angles roar in, but it turns out only to get gas and buy beer, and then they roar off.

But, but he loves me . . .
There is a feeling of some sadness in San Diego now that the Super Bowl has left town. The whole city sort of feels like the proverbial poor girl who fell in love with the rock star, only to wake up and find him gone and one hundred bucks and his latest CD on the night stand.

Adios the dishes
It was fun, Super Bowl people. Don’t bother with the dishes, we’ll get ‘em. (Yawn) Oh, hey, is that the time? Gotta get up early, but thanks for stopping. Oh, and don’t forget to sign the credit card receipt. Yeah, buh-bye.