We ahhhhhight, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


More fitting
The San Diego Chargers re-did Doug Flutie’s contract from $4.5 mil a year down to $1.45 mil a year. That’s good, because otherwise they would have had to fire him, and it would have been too ironic to have to downsize Doug Flutie.


I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening
According to new research, teaching kids with attention deficit disorder proper social skills significantly improves their symptoms. Or something like that, I was too distracted to finish the whole article.

According to new research, teaching kids with attention deficit disorder proper social skills significantly improves their . . . wow, look at that girl’s pretty, pretty hair . . . What was I saying?

Yesterday, all my tapes were swiped away
Police recovered tapes apparently recorded by The Beatles and believed stolen from the band's studios in London more than three decades ago. The recordings are a little rough. In fact, if you listen hard, you can hear producer Phil Spector’s gun fire in the background.

Hit re-dial and re-load
Police in France have arrested four men with cell phones that shoot bullets. A cell phone that shoots bullets is perfect for Los Angeles. The two most common driving activities combined in to one step.

Sadly, in France, the four guys with cell phone guns were the closest thing they had to an army.

You go, girls
Did you seeCBS’ “Survivor”? It’s men against women. This won’t even be close; women are far craftier and way smarter especially when it comes to getting what they want. Guys spend every waking minute either thinking about women or how best to screw-over their buddies.

Did you see CBS’ “Survivor”? It’s men against women in the Amazon. Lucky for the guys it’s not men against Amazon women, that wouldn’t be fair.

Trailer-home Improvement
Homeland Security officials said everyone should have a roll of duct tape and plastic sheeting to protect their house in the event of a terrorist attack. Do you know what Tonya Harding calls a duct tape and plastic sheeting? Remodeling.

Bahhhhhhd news
Some sad news. Remember Dolly the cloned sheep? They had to put her to sleep. And on Valentines day too. Dozens of lonely Scottish farmers are heartbroken.

On the bright side, the cloning scientists had a wonderful leg of lamb Valentines Day dinner.