Yo, B, and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Now that is scary
Have you heard of Ben Affleck’s new movie “Daredevil”? It’s from the comic book hero who is blind but his other senses have super powers. By day, he is a lawyer; at night, he is a masked vigilante stalking the dark streets, a relentless avenger. Now that is scary: a lawyer by day. Yikes.

Take that, Akmed
Homeland Security officials said everyone should have a roll of duct tape and plastic sheeting to protect their house in the event of a terrorist attack. How are we going to fight terrorism with an arts and crafts project? How about if we hit them with some paper mache and pottery?

It never rains in Southern, California
The Pro Am at Buick Open in San Diego was rained out. That sound you hear? That’s everyone in the country who saw San Diego’s weather during the Super Bowl unpacking.

Let’s see your toes
USA Today says Frenchie Davis, the plus-size, neon-haired, ''American Idol'' semifinalist, has been removed from competition because she used to work for a porn website. The good news for Davis is that Sarah from “Joe Millionaire” has a job lined up for her.

Stupid is as stupid does
The big controversy is that Evan did not pick either Zora or Sarah on the last “Joe Millionaire.” So people are still arguing whether the girls will accept Evan when they find out he isn’t a millionaire. I think so. They accept him now even though he’s dumber than a bag of lawn statues.

That is one fine club
Annika Sorenstam will play against the men on the men’s PGA Tour. In fact, to get ready, Annika went into the men’s clubhouse and, well, let’s just say, unlike Phil Mickelson, she had really nice things to say about Tiger Wood’s equipment.

Now that’s just mean
Scientists using a NASA probe have determined that the universe will expand forever. Just like Rosie O’Donnell.

The tabloids claim Rosie O’Donnell is over 300 pounds. Or as Anna Nicole Smith calls her, svelte.

Ohhhhhh Yoko
Osama bin Laden made another audio tape. This tape is even more depressing than anything Yoko Ono produced.

In the tape, Osama called Saddam Hussein “an infidel.” Wouldn’t it be fun if these two wonderful guys started to go at each other?

Boy who do you pull for if Saddam and Osama went at each other? It’s like having to choose between the Madonna movie “Swept Away” or Mariah Carey’s “Glitter.”

Boy who do you pull for in this one? It’s like choosing sides between an I.R.S. agent and a personal injury attorney.

Yo, B . . . as in bullet
Have you heard about the latest Rapper, 50 Cent? He has been shot many times, he has been stabbed, done time and sold crack. Or as other Rappers call him: a goody-goody.

Have you heard about the latest Rapper, 50 Cent? He has been shot many times, he been stabbed, done time and sold crack. Or, as other rappers call him, an over-achiever.

Have you heard about the latest Rapper, 50 Cent? He has been shot many times, he has been stabbed, done time and sold crack. Now all he needs is his bitch-slapping merit badge and he can be an Eagle Scout Rapper.

Take me out to the ball bark
The San Diego City council unanimously approved the new downtown ballpark's name of Petco Park. “Buy me some peanuts and Scoobie snacks.”

“Chocolat” would get the lifetime achievement
One of the best movie Oscar nominees is the musical “Chicago.” It is also nominated in the smaller category of “Gayest movie of the year.”

Don't you know who I am?
In an interview, Jennifer Lopez said that fame can “beat you down.” I would have given the interviewer a thousand bucks if he then asked J. Lo; “And who are you again?”

Oops, Evan did it again
In Saudi Arabia, fourteen pilgrims were trampled to death during a ritual of the annual Muslim pilgrimage. There was an angry stampede after they found out that Evan didn’t pick either Sarah or Zora on “Joe Millionaire.”