Houston, we have a problem, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.
For the third year in a row, "Men's Fitness'' magazine has named Houston the nation's fattest city. Alarmed by this information, the city’s leaders agreed to discuss the problem over a dinner of chicken-fried steak with mashed potatoes, gravy and beer.
Of course Houston is the fattest city; the city flower is deep-fried onion blossom. Crash bing.
Houston is the only city in the country whose city hall features a drive-thru McDonalds. Bada boom.
The City flag has a deep-fryer on it. Bang zing.
The lightest group of people in Houston are the Houston Texans NFL team. Tah dah bang.
Of course Houston is the fattest city. You know why those guys have such huge plate-sized belt buckles? So they can find them under their big bellies. Crash ding.
In Houston, the juice bars have a deep fryer. Bing bing bing.
In Houston, a Krispi Kream donut shop is considered fine dining. Rickita bickita boom boom.
The closest thing to an extreme sport in Houston is fishing standing up. Rum tah tum tum.
Houston is so unfit and unhealthy the life expectancy is even higher in Baghdad. Zip zang zing.
30 % of Houston men suffer from Dunlop syndrome. That’s when the belly dun lopped over their belts. Wha wha whahhh.
Do you know what they call Anna Nicole Smith in Houston? Anorexic. Wheeze, wheeze, wheeze.
Houston is the only city where Crisco is considered a side dish. Clop da plop.
Have you seen some of those Houston guys? They are so fat, they put the ton in Houston. Thank you, I'll be here all week (weak) Try the veal. Oh Houston, you know we kid because we care. Prettiest girl who ever broke my heart was from Houston. Sniff.
They are still waiting to find out if the baby those Clonaid nut-jobs claim was cloned was really cloned. Forget if the baby is cloned, let’s first figure out if those two Clonaid’s leaders are human. These two knuckleheads, that Rael-guy and Dr. Brigitte Boisselier, put the clown in Clonaid. Oh yeah, give me a French guy in an Obi Wan suit with a poodle top-knot on his head who says we are descended from aliens, and I tend to believe anything he says. Today a spokesperson for space Aliens categorically denied any connection to Clonaid.
In reviewing last year, a lot of sports journalists point to the low point as when the shirtless and tattooed father and son team beat up the Kansas City Royals first base coach. I tend to agree, they should have beat up baseball commissioner Bud Selig.
Since you asked:
The funniest lyrics not written by Randy Newman? Here you go:
"Dixie Chicken"
I seen the bright lights of Memphis
And the Commodore Hotel
And it was there beneath the streetlamp
Where I met a southern belle
Well she took me to the river
Where she cast her spell
And it was 'neath that Memphis moonlight
She sang this song so well
If you'll be my Dixie chicken
I'll be your Tennessee lamb
And we can walk together
Down in Dixie land
Down in Dixie land
We hit all the hotspots
My money flowed like wine
Till the lowdown southern whiskey
Began to fog my mind
Well I don't remember church bells
Or the money I put down
On the white picket fence and boardwalk
At the house on the edge of town
Now but boy do I remember
The strain of her refrain
And the nights we spent together
And the way she called my name
If you'll be my Dixie chicken
I'll be your Tennessee lamb
And we can walk together
Down in Dixie land
Down in Dixie land
It's been a year since she ran away
Guess that guitar player sure could play
She always liked to sing along
He was always handy with a song
Then one night in the lobby
Of the Commodore Hotel
I by chance met a bartender
Who said he knew her well
And as he handed me a drink
He began to hum a song
And all the boys there at the bar
Began to sing along
If you'll be my Dixie chicken
I'll be your Tennessee lamb
And we can walk together
Down in Dixie land
Down in Dixie land
If you'll be my Dixie chicken
I'll be your Tennessee lamb
And we can walk together
Down in Dixie land
Down in Dixie land
For the third year in a row, "Men's Fitness'' magazine has named Houston the nation's fattest city. Alarmed by this information, the city’s leaders agreed to discuss the problem over a dinner of chicken-fried steak with mashed potatoes, gravy and beer.
Of course Houston is the fattest city; the city flower is deep-fried onion blossom. Crash bing.
Houston is the only city in the country whose city hall features a drive-thru McDonalds. Bada boom.
The City flag has a deep-fryer on it. Bang zing.
The lightest group of people in Houston are the Houston Texans NFL team. Tah dah bang.
Of course Houston is the fattest city. You know why those guys have such huge plate-sized belt buckles? So they can find them under their big bellies. Crash ding.
In Houston, the juice bars have a deep fryer. Bing bing bing.
In Houston, a Krispi Kream donut shop is considered fine dining. Rickita bickita boom boom.
The closest thing to an extreme sport in Houston is fishing standing up. Rum tah tum tum.
Houston is so unfit and unhealthy the life expectancy is even higher in Baghdad. Zip zang zing.
30 % of Houston men suffer from Dunlop syndrome. That’s when the belly dun lopped over their belts. Wha wha whahhh.
Do you know what they call Anna Nicole Smith in Houston? Anorexic. Wheeze, wheeze, wheeze.
Houston is the only city where Crisco is considered a side dish. Clop da plop.
Have you seen some of those Houston guys? They are so fat, they put the ton in Houston. Thank you, I'll be here all week (weak) Try the veal. Oh Houston, you know we kid because we care. Prettiest girl who ever broke my heart was from Houston. Sniff.
They are still waiting to find out if the baby those Clonaid nut-jobs claim was cloned was really cloned. Forget if the baby is cloned, let’s first figure out if those two Clonaid’s leaders are human. These two knuckleheads, that Rael-guy and Dr. Brigitte Boisselier, put the clown in Clonaid. Oh yeah, give me a French guy in an Obi Wan suit with a poodle top-knot on his head who says we are descended from aliens, and I tend to believe anything he says. Today a spokesperson for space Aliens categorically denied any connection to Clonaid.
In reviewing last year, a lot of sports journalists point to the low point as when the shirtless and tattooed father and son team beat up the Kansas City Royals first base coach. I tend to agree, they should have beat up baseball commissioner Bud Selig.
Since you asked:
The funniest lyrics not written by Randy Newman? Here you go:
"Dixie Chicken"
I seen the bright lights of Memphis
And the Commodore Hotel
And it was there beneath the streetlamp
Where I met a southern belle
Well she took me to the river
Where she cast her spell
And it was 'neath that Memphis moonlight
She sang this song so well
If you'll be my Dixie chicken
I'll be your Tennessee lamb
And we can walk together
Down in Dixie land
Down in Dixie land
We hit all the hotspots
My money flowed like wine
Till the lowdown southern whiskey
Began to fog my mind
Well I don't remember church bells
Or the money I put down
On the white picket fence and boardwalk
At the house on the edge of town
Now but boy do I remember
The strain of her refrain
And the nights we spent together
And the way she called my name
If you'll be my Dixie chicken
I'll be your Tennessee lamb
And we can walk together
Down in Dixie land
Down in Dixie land
It's been a year since she ran away
Guess that guitar player sure could play
She always liked to sing along
He was always handy with a song
Then one night in the lobby
Of the Commodore Hotel
I by chance met a bartender
Who said he knew her well
And as he handed me a drink
He began to hum a song
And all the boys there at the bar
Began to sing along
If you'll be my Dixie chicken
I'll be your Tennessee lamb
And we can walk together
Down in Dixie land
Down in Dixie land
If you'll be my Dixie chicken
I'll be your Tennessee lamb
And we can walk together
Down in Dixie land
Down in Dixie land
posted by Alex at
10:59 AM
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