Talk to the hand or stand tall before the man, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Did you see all those college football games yesterday? Man, I saw more bowls than a smart-mouthed Marine on latrine duty.
If I watched one more football game on New Year’s Day, my wife was going to have me legally designated as a part of the furniture.

While practicing for tonight’s Florida Orange Bowl, USC football players met with O.J. Simpson. The players said they only think of OJ as an ex USC-star football player. In addition, they only think of Osama bin Laden as a reclusive millionaire. Apparently USC stands for Unaware of Serious Crimes. Man, I know USC athletes aren’t real students, but you’d think they could read a newspaper.

Did you see Oklahoma manhandle Washington State 34-14 in the Rose Bowl? Oklahoma’s defense was scarier than carpooling to a party with Diana Ross and Nick Nolte.

According to the police report, singer Diana Ross said she was trying to rent a video and got lost when she was stopped for driving under the influence. The video she wanted to rent was “Dude, Where’s my car going?” Did you hear Diana Ross’s latest song? “Baby, baby, where did our car go?” Diana Ross’ blood-alcohol was 2.0, over twice the legal limit. So when it comes to blood alcohol levels, there is unleaded, regular and the Supremes.

Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne renewed their wedding vows during a New Year's Eve party at the Beverly Hills Hotel. It was very touching. Until the minister got to the part that said ‘till death you do part, and Ozzie asked; “You mean I’m not dead?” Rolling Stone Keith Richards was on hand to translate Ozzy’s vows from Drunk-British-Rocker to English.