Tuesday, December 31, 2002

Let's get this party started, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I found out what Auld Lang Syne means: It’s Scottish for crack is whack.

Wal-Mart Stores all around the country pulled the new "Midge” doll off the shelves. Midge is Barbie's best friend. They pulled the doll off the shelves right before Christmas because Midge is pregnant. This also explains why G.I. Joe was in such a hurry to be deployed to Afghanistan.

The agent of New York Giant star rookie tight end, Jeremy Shockey said he wanted to market Shockey as the NFL’s Anna Kournakova. Anna and Shockey do have a lot in common: both are blonde, arrogant, and Shockey has won just as many women’s tennis tournaments as Kournakova.

Did you see the Giants and the Jets games this weekend? What is with the field at the Meadowlands? That was the first time a football field had a bad case of mange. The grass looked every bit as natural as former U.S. Rep. James A. Traficant Jr’s hairpiece.

It was raining so hard at the Oakland Raiders game that you could actually see silver and black grease paint flooding the aisles. It was really pouring at Oakland during the Kansas City Chiefs Raider game. It was the closest thing Raiders fans have had to a shower all season.

Joan Rivers is accused of assaulting a clerk at a Dollar-Rent-A-Car. Apparently Rivers got upset when the clerk mentioned the airbag and Rivers naturally thought she was talking about her.

Indiana University will punish its basketball coach Mike Davis for his outburst at the end of last Saturday's game against Kentucky. Rumor has it the punishment will be severe: Davis will have to wear one of Bobby Knight’s old red sweaters for an entire week.Rumor has it the punishment will be severe: Bobby Knight will throw a chair at him.

A religious sect's claim that it has cloned a human being is reviving congressional efforts to ban cloning and reopening a politically charged debate. I can give you three good reasons why cloning should be outlawed: Anna, Nicole and Smith.

How many are going to make a New Year’s Resolution? How many are already planning how to break that New Year’s Resolution? Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have made their New Year’s Resolutions: To not do any drugs . . . in church . . . in front of the Pope.

Let's face it, in general, New Years Eve kind of sucks. Lots of expectations and the parties are usually a crushing disappointment. I will never forget the worst New Year's Eve: My girlfriend broke up with me and I got in a fight. (Not really a fight, but as the token football player at the party, I was appointed bouncer to toss drunk guys from the local private Catholic high school, Loyola Academy, who had crashed the party. One drunk guy grabbed my then long hair and wouldn't let go.)

That New Year's eve was 1975. At the time, it was as dark and as scary an era as a peace-time 17-year-old could have then imagined. (Post September 11th kids must have it even worse) The economy stunk, the Watergate-era morale of the country was horrible, the clothes were ugly and the cancer that was disco was just starting to form a tumor on our culture's collective ass. Looking back, how one young kid could have been so filled with so much regret and uncertainty at the same time is hard to imagine. It seemed that at the same instant, my innocence vanished and an uncertain future loomed as ominously as a midnight title wave.

But in two years, life was near pure bliss: Santa Barbara beach sunsets, free beer, guacamole and, best of all, tan, taut - and taught - fun-loving California college girls. (Sally, Julie, Darcy, Diane, Susan, Karen, Lori, Laurie, Sandy, Mandy et al, bless you, whevever you are) My point? If things aren't going great right now, just hang in there. And if things are going great? Please have the decency to keep it to yourself.

Either way, Happy New Year, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.