Monday, November 21, 2005

We gonna find us her

We gonna find us here a runway and put her down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
President Bush said he did not want the Iraq war to turn into a partisan showdown. It was awkward when Bush went on to say; “A partisan showdown would be bad for everybody especially the people of Partisa.”

Not since then, huh?
The Chicago Bears shut down the first place Carolina Panthers to only three points, 13-3. The Panthers offense hasn’t seen a licking like that since they had to fire their two lesbian cheerleaders.

That much, huh?
Inspired by his trip to China, Chicago Mayor Richard Daley wants to extend school to six days a week to improve student’s math scores; when asked to respond, one student said; “Six days a week? Why that’s an increase of like forty percent.”

Dress for success
The off-court dress code has been strictly enforced by the NBA. To show how tough the league is they are even making the 0-8 Atlanta Hawks dress as if they were a real NBA team.

This new NBA dress code is thorough. Now, before he can open the door for room service, Kobe Bryant has to put on pants.

The new NBA dress code has been very upsetting for some of the players; usually when an NBA player is wearing a suit a judge ends up ordering them to pay child support.

Last week was the 40th anniversary of the Pop Tart. To show how fat and lazy we have become, sales of Pop Tarts are down because people now complain they’re too difficult to cook.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it, 2
How about that fight in congress between the democrats and republicans over Iraq last week? When asked if he thought Congress should be more bi-partisan, Bush replied; “No, and I still don’t think they should be allowed to get married.”

Oh Mickey you’re so fine
Mickey Mouse turned 77 last week. You know Mickey Mouse was originally called Steamboat Willy; but Mickey decided to change his name and get engaged to Minnie to quell the gay rumors about him and Goofy.

Give or take
People are actually using hand-held video players, like the new iPod, to watch porn. The bad news? This will make guys even more distracted when driving. The good news? It will only be for about two minutes.

Loose like the juice
After being acquitted in a criminal trial, actor Robert Blake was found guilty of killing his wife and was ordered to pay $30 million. You know what that means? O.J. Simpson’s getting a roommate.

Writering for Dummies
Nicole Richey is out promoting her new book; “The Truth About Diamonds.” I thought we cleared this up with Paris Hilton’s book: Don’t you have to have read a book before you can try and sell one?”

Not fair
In the “Sexiest Man Alive” issue of “People” magazine, Matthew McConaughey admitted he hasn’t used deodorant since 1985. That’s so unfair. Matthew McConaughey doesn’t use deodorant and what’s he called? The sexiest man of the year; a regular guy doesn’t use deodorant and what’s he’s called? A Trekkie.

Writering for dummies again
Nicole Richey is out promoting her new book; “The Truth About Diamonds.” Critics say it is similar to Paris Hilton’s book minus the brilliant writing.

Nicole Richey is out promoting her new book; Nicole said she decided to write a book when she heard that there are actually people out there who like totally like to read and stuff like that.

Nicole Richey is promoting her new book; “The Truth About Diamonds.” That sound you heard is Ernest Hemingway spinning in his grave.

Oh Mickey, again
Mickey Mouse turned 77 last week. You know originally Mickey Mouse was called Steamboat Willy; but he had to change his name because of the rumors of a porno movie he did starting out.

You know there is a nice way to say that. No, I guess there isn’t . . .
Christina Aguilera got married to a music executive at Northern California winery; Even though she’s married, Christina is going to keep her name: Skank.”

Get it?
A new study reveals that walking everyday can increase your life expectancy by four years. The bad news? Four years is how long it will take you to make it back home.

Not since then
Saturday in a closer-than-expected 50-42 win over Fresno State, USC’s Reggie Bush racked up a total of 513-yards. That’s the farthest anyone named Bush has run who wasn’t being chased for a pardon by “Scooter” Libby.

How about the fight in congress over Iraq? One House republican called the democrats cowards then a democrat ran over to the republicans and yelled they were pathetic; this is a time when it really makes someone proud to stand up and say; “I’m a registered Independent.”

Heidi Fleiss is going to open a brothel with male prostitutes just for women; she is currently offering two specials: “The Talk and Cuddle” for $500 and “Shopping for Antiques” for $550.

Just Flew it
A Nike corporate jet had to make an emergency landing in Portland. It landed fine, but I thought it was a little thoughtless when the control tower ordered the then-stricken Nike plane to land by saying “Just do it.”

Nike said there were no sports stars on the plane, so, at the time, that didn’t rule out any of the Los Angeles Clippers or Dodgers.

It was embarrassing when President Bush was told the Nike plane was monitored by the Federal Aviation Administration, Bush asked “Aviation Administration? Oh no, does that plane have the bird flu?”

Since you asked;

Thought of some more advantageous to my idea of commissioning a stealthy patrol of A-Hole taggers to spray indelible blue ink in the faces of those who act like, and or are, an A-Hole.

Madonna could finally take her rightful place with the Blue Man Crew.

All Mets fans faces will match their caps.

Lawyers wouldn’t have to use business cards to identify themselves.

Blockbuster Video clerks will have a way to cover up their acne.

Thanks to the USC fan’s faces, there will appear to be nothing but blue at the upcoming UCLA-USC game.

It will finally explain why Leonardo DiCaprio’s face is blue at the end of “Titanic.”