Thursday, May 24, 2018

A 102-year-old has become the oldest person to write his memoirs. It's titled, "You Punks Get Off My Lawn."

"Why are they taking away my noble piece prize? Nobody got more noble pieces of tail than me."

- Donald Trump probably

The Post Office announced new "scratch and sniff" stamps. Let us all hope and pray that the "Roseanne" stamp is cancelled.

Donald Trump had to cancel his summit with Kim Jong Un. Apparently the "Taunt Him With Little Rocket Man" strategy wasn't as effective as we all thought.

The Post Office announced new "scratch and sniff" stamps. "Well, so much for our stamp," said Trenton, New Jersey.

Kim Jong Un is worried about a coup d'é·tat if he meets with Trump. Unless coup d'é·tat is a French name for schnauzer stew, I think he will be fine.

It was a little cool in Los Angeles this morning. I had to ask my Uber driver, Harvey Weinstein, to turn up the heat.

Thanks to an appeal by Sly Stallone, Donald Trump has pardoned boxer Jack Johnson. 

Stallone said, "Finally Jack Johnson gets justice." That or he said, "Forlornly shack housing emits asbestos." We're not sure. That whole Yanny-Laurel thing.

Bob Dylan is launching his own brand of whisky. The whisky is so strong, after two drinks, you're talking like Bob Dylan.