Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Try and walk away cool, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



Happy 96th Birthday to Betty White. Or as Larry King calls Betty: his trophy wife. 

(Also the third anniversary of this joke)



Porn star, Stormy Daniels, described the sex with Donald Trump as “textbook generic.” On the bright side, it is the first time the word textbook and Trump have appeared together.


Donald Trump passed his first presidential physical. Unfortunately, the schnauzer on his head had to get a distemper shot.


The more barren Eastern areas of California want succeed and form New California. New California. New California’s motto is: “Give me liberty or give me meth. Second thought, screw liberty, just give me the meth.”   


Eric Trump defended his father by saying he is not a racist. Said Eric, “He hates me and I am as white as it gets.” 



Steve Bannon has been subpoenaed to testify to the House Intelligence Committee. The House Intelligence Committee is stocking up on Glade Air Freshener.  



A Philadelphia Eagle fan was arrested for punching a police horse. Thought it was mean how, when they read his ten day sentence, the judge stomped out the ten with his foot.

The judge asked him if he pleaded guilty, yay or neigh.

This wasn't even his mane offense.

Now he will be saddled with a record. 

#DadJokes



After a 35-year ban, Saudi Arabia is allowing movies again. They started with “Star Wars: The Last Jihad.” 



“InTouch” magazine claims porn star, Stormy Daniels, described the sex with Donald Trump as “textbook generic.” “What are two words Betsy DeVos does not know, Alex?” 



Porn Star, Stormy Daniels, described having sex with Donald Trump as, “Ugh, here we go.” Coincidentally, “Ugh, here we go,” is what Trump’s talking gold toilet says each day. 



Since you asked:



No lie, when I moved to New York in July circa 1983, I swore I would train for and run in the New York Marathon on the fifth of November. 

The day of the race, not only did I not run in the marathon, I had to yell at the Chinese food delivery guy to let himself into my apartment so I did not have to get up from the couch. 

The most ambitious thing I did that day was eat with chopsticks.



It is generally agreed it is in human nature to ingest things that give us a break from reality. The problems occur when you try and make that break your reality.  


Here is an example of the difference in a joke if you're reading it or delivering it. If you're reading it, it works better this way:

From 6.2 to 6.3, Donald Trump's doctor gave him an extra inch in height. "As long as you're giving him extra inches, I have a request," said Melania.

If you can do an even passible Melanie accent, which is just a Putin accent with Natasha - of Boris and Natasha fame - thrown in, it goes better like this:


From 6.2 to 6.3, Donald Trump's doctor gave him an extra inch in height. Said Melania, "As long as you're giving him extra inches, I have request." 

Notice I took out the a in "a request" to make the accent more believable.