Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Announce your presence with authority, Ebby Calvin "Nuke" Laloosh, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Remember the woman cyclist who got fired for flipping-off Donald Trump’s motorcade? The good news is she got hired. The bad news? She is Matt Lauer’s publicist.

Matt Lauer and Garrison Keillor fired for sexual harassment. Now I am wondering about Mr. Rogers always changing into something more comfortable.

Have you seen the video of the guys jumping off a mountain in the Alps in wing suits and landing inside a plane? They got the idea from watching a Spirit Airlines customer service video in reverse.

Many at “Today” show not surprised by the firing of Matt Lauer for sexual harassment. For years they thought Lauer thought NBC stood for “Nice boobs, Couric.” 

“Today” host, Matt Lauer, fired for sexual harassment. Matt learned the hard way that when Al Roker says no, he means no.
(Thanks O'Snake)

First Matt Lauer, now Garrison Keillor fired for sexual harassment. Makes you wonder, if Mr. Rogers was still around, would it still be a wonderful day in the neighborhood?

First Matt Lauer, now Garrison Keillor fired for inappropriate behavior. If he can keep it in his pants, Ryan Seacrest will have all the jobs.

Matt Lauer was fired from the “Today” show for sexual harassment. Now I’m wondering about all those “Good Morning, America” rumors of George Stephanopoulos biting Robin Roberts’s knee caps.

“Today” host, Matt Lauer, fired for sexual harassment. In a related story, a memo circulated NBC that jokes about Al Roker’s man-boobs are officially off-limits. 

The top gifts this year for kids are legos, nurf guns and cell phones. The least popular gift? NBC Human Resources Barbie.

An Indiana teacher was arrested for snorting cocaine in the classroom. In her case the Indiana word Hoosier is a combination of Hoover and User. 

An Indiana English teacher was fired for snorting cocaine in the classroom. On the bright side, she did set the world record for teaching “War and Peace” in 15 minutes.

The cast of “The Jersey Shore” is being reunited on MTV. That is if Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino can clear his busy schedule, wha, hah, ha, shoot, I thought If could say it without laughing. 

Arby’s bought Buffalo Wild Wings for $2.4 bil. This story again, the company that makes sandwiches that taste like tissue paper bought the company that makes chicken wings that taste like battered and fried Q-tips.

An Indiana teacher was arrested for snorting cocaine in the classroom. They suspected there was a problem when she kept showing the movie “Scarface” in class. And she teaches geometry.

The cast of “The Jersey Shore” is being reunited on MTV. Because what we really need is more half-moron, loud orange people on TV.

The cast of “The Jersey Shore” is being reunited on MTV. That is if Mike “The Situation” Serrentino, can get someone to cover his shifts at the Trenton Olive Garden.

The cast of “The Jersey Shore” is being reunited on MTV. This will harken back to a simpler time when the worst thing a moron with a spray tan could do was get in a bar fight, not start a nuclear war.

Since you asked:

Lex's Four Steps To a Good Day

Step One: A, make and, B, drink coffee. You do not have to do A if you’re independently wealthy and go to coffee shops. But B is crucial. Studies for the health benefits of a few cups of coffee are more gushing than the studies on wine. And the wine health studies basically say if you do not drink wine, you will die.

Step Two: Work out your brain. Either with work, on the phone, or dealing with co-workers, get the bean bouncing. My favorite way is to write jokes. This involves reading many stories and writing about 20 to 30 jokes. To get to 20 you have to write 40 and ditch the bad ones. And that means, for each joke, you have to read about five news stories. 

You can even work the noodle by playing games. Two of my favorites are Words with Friends and Connect Four. This also works the grey matter. Poker is a good noodle burner. 

One time I was playing poker and somebody announced a game where it was seven card stud, deuces and suicide kings wild, your down spade was wild, the card after the first up-dealt 5 was wild unless you had a four card down. At one point I asked,

“Can you smell my brain burning?” 

That is how you want to feel by about 4:00 PM, you want to feel that your brain is slightly smoking-burnt. It is a good kind of brain tired. And the only cure is . . . 

Step Three: Work out. The NFL’s play 60 is a great idea. Just be active for an hour. Or a solid half-an-hour of cardio. Currently I am combining jogging down hill, walking up hill and skipping on some flats with my dog*, Wally. (He just walks) This cures brain burn like a swim in the ocean cures a hangover. 

Now that the exercise has cleared the smoke out of your brain, your body and brain are tired and need sustenance. You can relieve stress and provide sustenance at the same time by . . .  

Step Four: Grilling a nice, healthy, fun dinner on the Weber or gas grill. And in the sauce pan. Lately I am on a marinate-chicken-in-olive-oil-and-lemon-juice jag. Lots of salt, pepper, garlic powder for a crust. 

My newest favorite vegetable is brussel sprouts. Par boil for a few minutes, slice in half, drizzle with olive oil, salt pepper and grill until they have marks.

And play a good song list while you grill. Dancing badly to a great tune while grilling and watching the sunset is a must for me. Good sample of my songs are the Stones' "All Down the Line," Emmy Lou's "Pancho and Lefty," and Led's "Bring It On Home." 

And if some wine goes along with that, or a drink or two, that is fine as long as you do not cause undue brain burning the bad way with a hangover. The hangover is god’s way of telling you that you were a self-indulgent, gluttonous slob. (Only known effective cure for hangovers, again, a dip in the ocean, besides Gatorade or Sprite) 

Now, on special days you can combine steps one and two with a great day of stand up paddle board surfing or swimming at the beach or boarding down a snowy hill.

And after exercise, a really good day I get in 30 minutes of meditation. For those lucky enough, a nap can do. 

And relaxing can also be achieved quite nicely by substituting #4 with playing harmonica with a band. 

Either way, announce your presence with authority. 

For me, a good day has to include playing with and walking your dog. My dog. Not your dog.