Sunday, November 12, 2017

There was a streaker at the Buffalo Bills game. It was so cold, the announcer described the streaker’s shrinkage: “He’s at 30, he’s in high school, he’s in elementary school, he could go all the way to kindergarten.”

There was a streaker at the Buffalo Bills game. For the love of decency, get some help, Louis CK.

There was a streaker at the Buffalo Bills game. It was so cold, security had trouble catching him. They did not have anything to hang on to.

(Who had 43 days in the OJ pool?) 

A drunken and unruly OJ Simpson was kicked out of a Las Vegas bar for life. It was the first time a bar’s patron’s life-expectancy went up.

A drunken and unruly OJ Simpson was kicked out of a Las Vegas bar for life. How drunk do you have to be to get kicked out of a Las Vegas bar for life? Charlie Sheen has never been kicked out of a Las Vegas bar.

A drunken and unruly OJ Simpson was kicked out of a Las Vegas bar for life. How drunk do you have to be to get kicked out of a Las Vegas bar for life? The guys in “The Hangover” brought Mike Tyson’s tiger to a bar, and they did not get kicked out.

A drunken and unruly OJ Simpson was kicked out of a Las Vegas bar for life. It made everyone nervous when OJ kept ordering Bloody Marys.

Since you asked:

Louis CK’s chances of his career being graveyard dead, to use a Southern expression used by the great sportswriter, Dan Jenkins, are about 50-50.

Bill Cosby is graveyard dead. Louis CK did five awful things, but he did not rape anyone, as my former idol Cosby did. 50 times. 

And even beyond the unthinkable horrific acts Cosby pulled, on a more pragmatic level, Cosby was a full-blown asshole to everyone before the charges were known. The term Messianic does not cover it. Louis CK, on the other hand, is a nice guy by all accounts. (If you’re not an attractive struggling female comedian)

And Louis CK coming clean in his admission is huge and a brilliant move. That, and is raw talent, is what gives him a 50-50 chance of coming back. Louis CK's scandal is worse than Hugh Grant's and not nearly as bad as Bill Cosby. 50-50.

Still, there is no downplaying how awful what Louis CK did to those female comics. As Judd Apatow put it so well, the worst part might be that he destroyed their dreams. 

While not close to being a victim of sexual harassment, I do know how awful it feels when a celebrity comedian destroys your dreams. It is beyond horrific. It haunts your thoughts constantly. 

When a famous comedian breaks your dreams, it's as if your sense of humor, the one thing you could always count on, has contracted an endless case of the flu.

In other words, it makes you literally ill. 

There are a lot of stories of people who are down to their last dime and turn things around and get rich. The guy who founded Fed Ex flew to Las Vegas when he had half the money he needed to make payroll, and put it all on red. If he hadn’t won, we would be waiting a lot longer for the US mail to deliver our packages. 

These stories of being famine and then feast are big in Hollywood. Heath Ledger said he would go back to Australia when he was down to his last $100. He got to his last $100 before he got his first movie. (Not sure how he would have afforded the flight had he not) 

Jim Carey bragged a little too much to his Canadian parents about making it big and getting a big role. Next thing he knew he had his parents living with him in his tiny little Hollywood studio. His dad was watching TV in his underwear all day when the electricity got turned off.

David Letterman’s only income, when he started at the Comedy Store, was the tips he got from a little old lady in his building when he would pile her wheel chair in the back of his truck and drive her to the doctor. Letterman’s then wife, Michelle, was paying the rent as a temp. And Dave had been a fairly successful local TV weatherman in Indianapolis describing hail the size of canned hams.

Matt LeBlanc was down to his last $20 when he got Joey on “Friends.” The list goes on and on to the point where you might start to think that the secret of success is to go broke. There is, it would seem, magic in that last dollar. 

Jay Leno got a ticket as a vagrant for sleeping in his car on Santa Monica Blvd, five feet from where his star would eventually be placed. 

One of the expressions that drives me crazy, when you find something that was lost, is “It’s always in the last place you look.” Well, duh. You’re not going to keep looking for something after you find it. 

“Let’s see, I found my car keys, but I am going to check the cushions in the couch on more time, just in case.” 

That is the case with the stories of people who get rich after being down to their last dollar. It’s always in the last place you look is about as dumb as thinking you got rich because you were down to your last dime. 

You just never hear about the countless millions who stayed broke. Those stories are not as compelling;

"Yes, my little grandson, I was down to my last one dollar bill."

"Then what happened, Grandpa, did you hit it big?"

"No, I had to move in here with your folks. What are you, stupid? Hey son, I think your kid may be an idiot." 

Speaking of idiots, my idiotic misperception of my being able to grasp the theoretical concept of money can be summed up with this example: 

We were leaving Las Vegas after my daughter’s soccer tournament. (Her team won) We stopped to look at then-trendiest casino, The Palms. (My old favorite in my reckless youth, the Hard Rock Casino, had recently been hijacked by the Kardashian-wanna-be crowd. In other words, we were too old) 

Someone in our group pointed out a roped-off casino room on the side that was empty. It was for celebrities so they could gamble in private without being hounded by fans or the paparazzi. It was just an empty casino with about ten blackjack tables and three craps tables and a huge bar in the front. Kind of like that banquet room in “The Shining” with the scary ghost bartender, Lloyd. (Did that guy ever get a job in movies again?) 

The closest  blackjack table had a $10,000 minimum bet sign on the table. When I asked a security guy if that was a joke, he assured me that the bets were usually much higher, but, yes, $10,000* was the minimum bet at that table.

Ten minutes and a half-mile later, while getting gas for the trip home to San Diego, I gave the gas station cashier a $100 bill for sunflower seeds and a bottle of water. The guy lost his mind with fury in broken English yelling:

“How dare you are be making me break a hundred? Who in the hecks do you think you are being, a wiser guy?”

How can there be anyplace on the planet where they kick you off a table if you don’t bet $10,000 half-a-mile from a gas station that cannot break a $100? 

*Side story on the $10,000 bet. 

On "E," they asked a guy who was in charge of taking care of whales in a Las Vegas casino - whales are big shots who bet tens of millions per visit - who was the biggest asshole he ever had to deal with?  (And he dealt with people who demanded their private jets be painted pink) He did not hesitate: 

Barbra Streisand. 

Barbra was performing at their casino and he was in charge of keeping her happy which was not, as it would turn out, possible. Babs demanded the toilet seats be replaced each day. Every item of food that was delivered was sent back five or six times including a lobster. 

How do you not boil a lobster correctly?

 All this while, Barbra herself refused to talk to the casino guy who was trying to take care of her. He had to go through Bab's assistants who were often off in another room crying after being fired. He said Barbra fired three assistants on her two-day weekend there.

Then one night after her show, Barbra and her entourage appeared in the celebrity-only casino. She waltzed up and placed a $5 dollar chip on the blackjack table where the minimum bet was $10,000. Having heard about how awful Ms. Streisand had been to the staff, and also because she was a superstar, the dealer did not correct her and dealt the hand. When he busted, he gave everyone else their $10,000 plus in chips and gave Ms. Streisand her $5 chip. 

Barbra Streisand looked disgusted at her two $5 chips and lost her ever-loving, golden-voiced mind. She started screaming,

“What do you think you’re doing? You’re a thief. You owe me money. I saw you give everyone else more than $10,000. Where is my money?” 

They could not get it across to Babs that she could only be paid what she bet. She saw the $10,000 minimum sign and concluded that is what they had to pay on each bet, even a $5 dollar bet. (That is being dumber about money than me) 

Babs threw such a tantrum, they had to call security and the head of the casino. They finally had to agree to give her $10,000 before she would agree to leave. They then posted a guard at the door with orders to not let her in.

P.S. When this story came out on “E,” Barbra Streisand sued the casino and “E” for slander. 

Don’t you hate litigious people?