Sunday, November 05, 2017

We got no waffle juice, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

OJ Simpson said Caitlyn Jenner will live longer because women live longer than men. Well, maybe women who weren’t once married to OJ.

A Chicago man shot himself in the penis after he robbed a hotdog stand. With a crime like this, there simply are no wieners. 

Since you asked:

When I am busy with some mindless task, like washing dishes, right when I am about to feel bored, my mind automatically wanders to people my age I’ve lost. The wonderfully eccentric old-soul and great friend, Chuck Packer; my Sigma Chi fraternity big and little brothers, Tim Chambers and Phil Mittledorf; Katie Madden, the tall, raven-haired, blue-eyed Irish beauty everyone in high school was in love with and her affable husband, Dave Harvey. My beloved evil and better twin, cousin Jack and Dale Estabrook, an athlete who defied gravity only to die by a cruel twist of gravity’s fate. 

And then I think how much they are missed and how much they would love to be with us, even if only to be rinsing out a glass or wiping off a plate.

Cloying Eighties songs we used to love - and don’t try and deny it -  like “Hungry Eyes,” “Died in Your Arms,” “Believe it or Not,” “You Make My Dreams,” and especially “Walking on Sunshine,” are now just punchlines to intentionally corny commercials. 

Went for my first attempt at a jog in a couple of years. It was both awesome and awful. The awful was a confusing combination of being too heavy, out-of-shape and older. But I can do something about the first two.

Now my legs have that wonderful just-perfectly-sore feeling. Sore enough to remind you you worked out well without being too painful. 

We have two huge problems: psychos with automatic guns and Muslim terrorists. And if you and your politics think only one is a problem? You’re part of the problem.

NFL Touchdown dance? Players form a circle with the goalpost in the center. They pretend to walk and text and all bump into the goalpost at the same time. 

Wish in one hand and poop in the other and see which gets filled up first. Of course, with a wish, you don't have poop in your hand. And why would you want to poop in your hand? 

How about wish in one hand and then fill the other with tequila? At least your hand would be sterilized from having poop in it. And you could drink the tequila that did not spill out. On second thought, don't drink the poopy tequila. Pour the tequila into the wish hand instead. And just forget about pooping in your hand altogether. That is just a bad idea. 

I've given us all a lot to think about.