Monday, May 11, 2015

After sweeping the Minnesota Wild on May 7th, the Chicago Blackhawks are enjoying many days off before they play the Anaheim Ducks. The Blackhawks are getting so much time off during the playoffs they are starting to feel like the Chicago Cubs.

“American Idol” is calling it quits next year after its 15th season. “But they’re ending it way too soon,” said the year 2003.

“American Idol” is calling it quits next year after its 15th season. They decided to end it in 2016 because 2016 is the combined weight or Rueben Stoddard and Kelly Clarkson.

“American Idol” is calling it quits next year after its 15th season. Asked to comment, Ryan Seacrest said; “Just kidding, we are not quitting. Yes we are quitting. No, we’re not. Yes we are. Nope. Yes.”

“American Idol” is calling it quits next year after its 15th season. Asked to comment, first runner-up, Justin Guarini said it was the end of an era. And then he asked; “Do you want fries with that?’

“American Idol” is calling it quits next year after its 15th season. That is probably the second most allegedly shocking announcement that will involve Ryan Seacrest.

Since you asked:

Anyone who doesn’t think golf is exciting on TV did not see the Players Championship on Sunday. Crowd favorite, Ricky Fowler, won in a playoff inspired by being voted “Most overrated player on tour” buy an anonymous magazine poll of players. Couldn’t help but wonder how many of the golfers who rushed up to congratulate Ricky after the win contributed to that poll.

Here is a service I provide my golfing fans. It is a golf announcers translator:

“He is a confident player.” (He is an arrogant ass****)

“He would like to have that one back.” (He utterly screwed the pooch on that shot)

"Normally he makes that shot" (He choked)

“He is a perfectionist.” (He is an OCD difficult pain-in-the-ass)

“He is popular on the tour.” (He can even get Gary McCord laid)

“He is great with the fans.” (He is the opposite of Tiger Woods)

"He is quite the family man." (He flies right home after having sex with a groupie) 

You don’t think America is great? How about Netflix being founded by a guy pissed off about his $40 late fee on “Apollo 13” from Blockbuster?

Here are a few of my favorite run-ins with Blockbuster employees:

The hipsters with the dragon neck tattoo who informed me my brand new DVR was too cheap and defective to update a Blu Ray DVD and I was too stupid to understand why. (Turns out the disk was a blank. I was so furious and incensed the manager actually gave me three movies for free) 

The clerk who, when I told him my video was late because I had to suddenly leave town for my brother’s funeral, replied; “And how is that my problem?”

The female clerk who angrily hung up on a customer and yelled to nobody in particular; “Oh my god, lady, stop asking me questions and learn how to Google.”

When the line was all the way to the back of the store and two cashiers left leaving only one. When asked why, the manager said with a straight face; “It’s their break.”

When asked where a specific movie might be, a clerk sitting behind the desk up front pointed out at the overall floor of the store and said, again with a straight face, “Out there somewhere.”

People a lot smarter than me, if they had access to a time machine, would say they would kill Hitler, or stop Lee Harvey Oswald and or John Wilkes Booth. Or at least invest in Apple and Google.

Not me.

No, I would go back to the playground of Crow Island Elementary school in Winnetka, Ill, circa 1967 when I was in Fourth grade when a bunch of kids were picking on a truly kind, sweet, funny and smart girl named May Ham. (Not her real name)

Because my older brother had been bullied mercilessly his whole life, it truly upset me to see other kids bullied. As I was one of the three biggest and strongest kids in the school, along with my two good friends, Howie and Steve, nobody dared mess with us. If we told someone to stop picking on someone, they stopped. And we did. Often.

I’m not trying to say I was a grade school Batman, but I did stop a lot of bullies. In my experience, bullies were not the big strong jock types at all. Far from it. Bullies were losers from bad families who picked on frightened kids.

Why did they tease May Ham so much? She was lily white to the point of being an albino with frizzy red hair and kind of a big nose. So of course they called her Bozo. And also they picked on her because she was as sweet and gentle as a lamb, so they knew she would not fight back.

The May Ham teasing was nothing short of brutal. It was abuse, pure and simple. They called it Bozo’s cooties if you so much as touched May. If you had Bozo’s cooties, you were a pariah for the rest of the day.

The teasing escalated to a point where a group of kids surrounded May on the playground during recess and started taunting her until she cried. 

And I did nothing. 

Sometimes I try to make myself feel better by telling myself I did not contribute to the teasing of May, because I did not tease May.

But I could have stopped it. I could have walked over to May, put my arm around her - Bozo’s cooties be damned - and announce she was my friend. And anyone who hurt her or teased her or was mean to her would answer to me.

But I did not.

That’s what I would do if I had a time machine.