Abby from "Masterchef Junior"

Former V.P. Dick Cheney is furious at the Senate’s report on CIA torture. I have not seen Cheney this mad since he choked an Imperial captain from six feet away.

 I have not seen Cheney this mad since that Kansas farm house landed on his Aunt.

A Montreal study claims male rats are turned on by female rats wearing lingerie. So I guess that whole Ebola cure can wait.

Since you asked:

Johnny Football Manziel’s agent, Willy “Slick” Scarpone, talks to Marcus Mariota.

“Look kid, I hear you want to thank all your teammates and your parents and stuff and, while some people like all that puppies and butterflies crap, I was Johnny Manziel’s agent, see? So I knows my way around the block, kiddo.”

“First off, we need a nickname, like Johnny “Football”. Let me spitball here. Marcus “Meatball.” Mariota. No. Marcus “Allen” Mariota. Naw. We’ll tie-in that whole Hawaiian thing. How about Marcus “Mako” Mariota? Perfect.”

“Now we need a catch symbol. One that involves money. Lick your thumb, see? Then you pretend you’re peeling off bills from a big wad of cash.”

“But listen, kid. Now I’ve been places and ate in hotels, see? Whatever you do, do not get up there during your acceptance speech and thank that guy who owns Nike, Phil Knight."

“That would taint you for life.”

Roger Goodell needs to worry and not just because of all of his botched scandals.

Yesterday I watched football and the product on TV was terrible. Commercial, penalty, commercial, penalty, penalty, commercial, penalty, injury, commercial, long replay review, penalty, commercial, injury, commercial.

Would anyone go to a wrestling match where one of the participants was not allowed to use his hands? No, because it would not be fair. The same is true of offensive lineman. They should be able to hold as much as they want. Short of grabbing a shirt and dragging down a defender right before he tackles the ball carrier. And no holding calls away from the damn ball.

Lightly grazing a defender downfield is not interference. Slightly tapping a facemask is not a penalty.

There are not many universal truths in football, but one of them is nobody in the history of the sport has ever come to a game to watch the officials. These guys – especially the old goons who ruined the Bengals-Browns game – are power-mad mall cops.

"The New York Post" ran a headline "Suck for the Duck." A plea for the Jets to tank the rest of their games so they can draft Heisman winner, Oregon's Marcus Mariota first.

"Masterchef Junior" is the best. All of the kids are adorable. But Abby just kills me. Picture a yellow labrador puppy with glasses and a lisp who can cook like hell. 

The good news for the Cleveland Browns? Two members of the dog pound were able to knock Bengals' running back, Jeremy Hill, from launching an insulting dog pound wall leap.

The bad news for the Cleveland Browns? That was their best defensive stop all day.