A Montreal study claims male rats are turned-on by female rats wearing lingerie. Not only that, but the CIA paid $80 million for that study.

England has passed tougher porn laws cracking down on bondage, spanking and whips. In fact, now in England, “50 Shades of Grey” is now only “7 ½ Shades of Gray.”

In Cleveland’s 30-0 loss to the Cincinnati Bengals, the Brown’s rookie QB, Johnny “Football” Manziel threw two interceptions and had his nickname changed to Johnny “Take this football, please” Manziel.

You know Cleveland’s defense had a bad day when their best stop was a guy in the dog pound stopping the Bengals’ RB, Jeremy Hill, from doing a Lambeau leap.

The CIA torture report revealed the CIA paid two psychologists $80 million to devise torture techniques. $80 million sounds like a lot, but these guys came up with the torture techniques of tiny labels on apples, online pinwheel buffering and dinner-time marketing calls.

You want to know how I know these two guys are good? They talked the CIA into paying them $80 million.

Their meanest torture was when they told the CIA they thought the 80 in their fee was for thousands not millions.

Since you asked:

Seriously, CIA? $80 million? And they were psychologists, not psychiatrists. That is like paying more to see Dr. Phil than Frasier Crane. At least Frasier the psychiatrist could prescribe drugs that would make writing a check for $80 million easier.

Did they even think of trying to hire me? My jokes have been torturing people for 50 years. (When I was six I was still cute. After that my comedy has been pure torture) Not to sell myself short, but I am pretty sure my fee would have been below $80 million.

This is how brilliant at torture comedy writers/comedians are: We can make people miserable when we are trying to make them laugh. Imagine how miserable we would make them if we were trying to make them miserable?

One hour of my Paris Hilton jokes alone and the Navy Seal who shot Osama bin Laden would be weeping like a gilted, drunken debutante.

And, for no extra charge, I would employ my wife’s tried and true techniques to drive someone insane.  There is her classic “Call someone and act like they called her” torture technique:

Me: “Hello?”

Virg: “Hi . . . pause . . . pause . . . pause . . .pause . . . pause . . .”

By now I am making the face of someone trying to pass a pine cone . . . the wrong way.

Me: “Virg, you called, what do you want?”

Virg: “ . . . pause, Why do you have to be so rude and impatient?”

And then there is Virg’s almost clairvoyant talent to figure out what someone (me) needs the most, albeit an article, a letter, an article of clothing, my iPod, my GoPro, a cooking utensil, and then hide it where no sane human would think to look. And then when you ask her;

“Virg, where did you put my wallet?” She will answer, with a straight face;

“How should I know? You left it out and I put it away.”

“Yeah, you put it away, but where?”

“I don’t know. Don’t leave it out next time.”

And then, if she finds what I am looking for first and it is in fact in a stupid place, like in her desk, under the bed, in a laundry basket, in her closet, in a drawer in the garage – all actual places she has put my stuff - she will then stick it in my car and say she found it there. When I know it was not left in my car. She has done this with my car keys. Why would I leave my car keys on the floor of the car?

Two days of this and the nastiest I.S.I.S terrorist will be begging you to shoot him.

That, or he will become a comedy writer who could use a $40 million payday from the CIA.

And just like that, I would have saved the US taxpayers $40 million dollars.

(Applause building to a deafening crescendo)