Friday, May 31, 2013

Oscar Meyer is coming out with a new bacon hot dog; the only way a bacon hot dog could make you feel worse is if it comes with a recording of the first person who broke up with you over the phone:

"Like, see, I just think we should see other people," (which means everyone except you), "Oops, I've got an important call on the other line." 

Lex Random Thoughts:

If you could somehow merge "Parks and Recreation" characters Ron Swanson and Andy Dwyer? Yep, it would be me.

Booze. It's the new booze.

Write, work out, grill, eat, sleep, repeat. 

Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj are both leaving "American Idol." "Gosh, I hope I can get them in my think tank," said nobody. 

How is it I find other people's farts so repulsive, yet mine are so damn cute? Same thing with erections.

If coffee made me feel any better, I would have to call it rum. (can an intervention be far off?) 

So I can't figure out if I want to make a sandwich. It's almost one PM, maybe just have a healthy snack and ride it out until dinner. Then I decide, no, I want to make a sandwich. 

So I pull out the good wheat bread, the nice, oven-roasted sliced deli turkey, good cheese, a fresh tomato. And then I notice: no mayonnaise. What the . . .? Now I am absolutely INCENSED that I can't have a sandwich. One minute ago, I didn't really even want one. But now, for lack of a condiment that is c-blocking me? Now I am incensed. 

Dear: Nearly All Cooking Show "Chopped" Contestants:

We got it. You have a passion for cooking. You prefer to use seasonable, organic and locally grown sustainable produce. If you're a woman, you're playing for your life partner. If you're a  man, you used to have a substance abuse problem, so now you want to make it up to your kids. Or you're also playing for your life partner. Either way, you have way too many tattoos and piercings. You're a cook, not a rock star.  

Yes, the twenty minutes in the appetizer round goes by way faster than you thought. You only had four mystery ingredients yet you almost forgot - or you did forget - to put one in your dish. You prefer to do something wildly creative over something that is traditional, which means you are about to get chopped. 

You said you are going to give the $10,000 prize to charity, but I think you're lying. You had a close relative pass away and you're cooking for them. When in doubt, taste the weird thing you've never seen before and toss it in the food processor and puree it for a sauce. 

If you use the anti-griddle/freezer or powders of liquid nitrogen, you're a pretentious douche-bag and we all hope you lose. 

Your's Truly,