Monday, August 23, 2010

Who said what the hell to who now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Minnesota Vikings receiver, Percy Harvin, has been sidelined with migraines. The migraines reportedly began when Harvin become confused on where to pronounce the R in Favre.

Spencer Pratt is going to write a tell-all book about Heidi Montag; in addition, it's going slow, Spencer keeps forgetting if Skank is spelled with a K or G.

The San Diego Padres beat Chicago thanks to Will Venable scoring from third when the Cubs were napping. The newspaper scorecard listed it as “defensive indifference.” If defensive indifference was an affliction, it would have killed LA Dodger, Manny Rameriz years ago.

The Chicago Cubs have lost seven in a row. To give you an idea how bad it is, on the team plane waiting to leave San Diego, manager Lou Piniella swore on the intercom, grabbed two beers and slid down the emergency exit.

Former New York Yankee, Roger Clemens, faces six indictments for lying to Congress about using performance enhancing drugs. The bad news is Clemens faces prison time. The good news for Clemens? We know he looks good in pinstripes.

I’m not surprised the San Diego Chargers’ preseason game against the Dallas Cowboys has not sold out, not to put too fine a point on it, but buying preseason NFL tickets is like paying for an adult film only to find out it is just a video of the cast doing a script read-through.

Since you asked:

The press loves to report about – and we love to read and hear about – all the idiots in the NFL like Ben Roethlisberger and Michael Vick, who constantly get in trouble at nightclubs despite repeated warnings not to do so.

But how come I hadn’t heard or read anything about one of the most decent human beings I have had the honor to learn about, Tony Richardson? Until the “Sports Illustrated” article on Tony Richardson, “Made To Last” I had no idea Richardson was one of the greatest blocking backs in NFL history and, more importantly, an even greater person off the field.

HBO’s special “Hard Knocks: The New York Jets Training Camp” is most famous for coach Rex Ryan’s Mel Gibson f-bomb impersonation and the fact that non-father-of-the-year, Antonio Cromartie, couldn’t hardly name all of his eight children. (What would have been hilarious is if they followed up that trick question by asking Cromartie to name the mothers of the children)

But “Hard Knocks” also showed the incredible generosity of veteran fullback Tony Richardson, even though it could cost him his job, mentoring his possible replacement, John Connor.

The “Sports Illustrated” article on Richardson goes even further to reveal one of the most selfless and kindest people in the country. Nobody in the NFL spends more time with charities or sick kids than Tony Richardson. Nobody. Richardson also used his off seasons to earn his undergraduate degree as well as his Masters degree.

It didn’t seem Tony spent much time studying in strip clubs.

Richardson’s benevolent spirit continues on the football field with Richardson’s blocking being responsible for the career seasons of Adrian Peterson, Chester Taylor, Priest Holmes and Larry Johnson.
Attention Jim Rome
Listen you fellow Gaucho and magnificient bastard, these are top quality sports jokes here, we both need for you to buy them and use them on your freaking show. Are we clear on that, soldier? Outsanding.