Beautiful haven of outlaw country rock stars, Santa Maria

Pants on the ground, lookin’ like a fool with your pants on the ground, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How cold is it?
It’s so cold I had to build a fire in my carbon footprint just to stay warm.

It’s so cold I had to wear an extra coat to the “I hate Al Gore” rally.

It’s so cold, Lady Gaga had to wear four extra beach balls just to stay warm.

It’s so cold my sex robot girlfriend wouldn’t start.

You can’t beat that
Scientists have made a girlfriend sex robot; and get this: it’s Warren Beatty tested and approved.

Brrrr
It is so cold and damp in Los Angeles I am shaking like an NBC executive getting his annual performance review.

You had to see this one coming
Last week in Turkey, villagers were shocked when a sheep was born with a human face; when asked about it, the embarrassed Shepard replied; “Oh, that’s my ba-a-a-a-a-a-a d.”

It was so rainy, in Hollywood the water washed two people into a theater showing “Did You Hear About the Morgans?”


It is raining so hard, in West Hollywood a theater is offering to show “Avatar” in 3-D and with a water slide.

It is so wet in L.A. , Heidi Montag had cosmetic surgery to have her feet webbed.

It is so wet in Los Angeles Warren Beatty had sex with a mermaid.

Not a good sign
Tiger Woods has checked into sex rehab, but he doesn’t get it; Tiger got caught trying to text-message a buddy: “You wouldn’t believe all the hot and freaky chicks in here.”

Catchy
North Korea has announced they are lifting restrictions to allow more American tourists. It’s part of their new tourist slogan: North Korea: Come for the oppression; stay for the cruelty.

Since you asked:

As my love of musical documentaries is almost limitless, I cannot wait for the movie “Crazy Heart” to come out on DVD.

Living in Santa Barbara during the 1980 Outlaw Cowboy singer craze of Willy Nelson and Waylon Jennings really fit the place and the times. From working as a security guard at the County Bowl I got to see these folks up close and it was a pretty cool and wild scene. As a security guard it was a living nightmare to see about 20 Hells Angel's motocycles come roaring up to a Waylon Jennings concert, but they turned out to be pretty cool. In fact, they kept some drunk and rowdy cowboys in check.

And then I would see the less marketed acts sing at bars like Cold Springs Tavern and various bars in Goleta and downtown Santa Barbara. One time I saw Emmy Lou Harris at the campus 49'r bar at Long Beach State and Jackson Browne and James Taylor walked up on stage and joined her.

The shows and the bands had a real cool rebel/Western Cowboy feel that fit Santa Barbara like a perfect pair of $1,000 dusty cowboy boots. There was almost a conscious down-to-earth feel. The roadies and the stagehands partied with the stars. Not like with diva snotty rock star acts like the a-hole Pretenders.

More times than not one of the roadies was in charge of a giant barbeque and they grilled tri tip steak Santa Maria style. And they drank lots of tequila and beer. And I suspect there were some other “refreshments” back stage and in their band buses.

My dream job would be to go on one tour with an outlaw band for one month as a session harmonica player and then write a comedy journal about the experience.

You hear that, outlaw country/rock band? I can be bought cheap and I can barbeque like a mofizzy.