Here Wrigley and Kasey enjoy their doggie HD TV.

Snaps it back and hold it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How cold was it?
It is so cold in Florida, teachers are crawling into bed with their students just for warmth.

It is so cold people are burning Al Gore in effigy just for the warmth.

It is so cold cab drivers in New York City were wearing turbans made out of a Snuggie.

Can’t do the math
A biography claims Warren Beatty has slept with almost 13,000 women. How is that possible? Where did he find 13,000 buddies to brag to?

Guys, guys, guys
An Australian study claims women who live with men gain weight; guys are going to run with this: “Gosh, honey, I would love to live together, but you don’t want to get fat, do you?”

Which is nice
Security at the airport is unbelievable, they pat you down, frisk you, strip-search you, and for an extra $50, they give you a happy ending.

Security at the airport is unbelievable, they patted me down, frisked me, strip-searched me, it was so great I was embarrassed to tell them I wasn’t really there to fly.

Keep it zipped, M-Babe
On a plane in Miami bound for Detroit, a man named Mohammad Asad was arrested when he yelled; “I want to kill all the Jews.” Listen, if you’re on a plane and your name is Mohammad, you better not yell anything but; “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.”

He was charged with disturbing the peace, threatening an officer and impersonating Mel Gibson.

This time I can do it
Experts say you have to make your New Year’s resolutions realistic and achievable. Take my resolution. I resolve to never smoke crack with a hooker in church. Wish me luck.

Cold
It is so cold in Chicago, a Global Warming Conference was replaced with a Hang Al Gore in Effigy Rally.

Not so sexy
An 86-year-old politician in India resigned after a sex tape emerged showing him with three women; it’s not as sexy as it sounds, the second woman was there to keep waking him up and the third was there to remind him what he was doing.

Panic
In California, a security scare closed down the Bakersfield airport. Apparently several passengers panicked when they suddenly discovered they were flying out of the Bakersfield airport.

Or as the Bakersfield airport used to be called: the Bakersfield Real Long “Ol Patch of Asphalt.

Since you asked:

What do I think of NBC moving Leno back to 11:30 and booting Conan to 12:00 or later or out? It’s the only move NBC could pull that would guarantee they really piss off everyone concerned. It just strikes me as so short-sighted. Give the shows another couple months.

Man, "Dave, Shelly and Chainsaw" on the air in San Diego for 20 years, I start writing for Chainsaw, boom, they're gone. "The Jay Leno" gets the historic 10:00 PM spot, I sell them jokes, boom, back to 11:30. Los Angeles Times has the Morning Briefing section in their sports section for decades, they print some of my jokes in December, boom, feature is gone.

If our government was smart they would have me write jokes for al Qaeda.

Today I heard a guy speaking loudly in Arabic on his cell phone, but he was interjecting a lot of English words. It sounded like:

“Bulla whallah shnasa gullah hallah hockey puck hallum gallash mush mush fallah hot biscuits mishas sallah wholum massah lawn gnomes.”

Being the hypochondriac that I am, I naturally assumed I had a stroke that had suddenly rendered me halfway bi-lingual.

As you may or may not know, Slateses and Nugsters, I loves me some rock documentaries. Or Rockumentaries as I like to call them. “Gimme Shelter” “Running Down a Dream” “Song Remains the Same” I can’t get enough of them. Lord help me, I almost love them as much as war and war/submarine movies. If they ever make a Rockumentary on a submarine my head might explode with joy.

So tonicht, I am excited about going for a run and then slugging down some San Diego Sunsets (Mount Gay Rum, coconut water, over ice with a lime squeeze) grilling some sausages and watching “It Might Get Loud.”

Hopefully some surfing tomorrow and then lots and lots of Stinker soccer.

Dear New England Sports Fans:

For the love of decency, stop your unseemly whining. You had an amazing run. The NFL is designed to destroy the top teams with weak draft picks, loss to free agency and tougher schedules. How your Patriots held on as long as they did was amazing.

You want to whine about something, whine about what a goldbricker and slacker that human A-hole Randy Moss is. How is he not, a, fined for pulling up and quitting and, b, fired? Vince Lombardi would have ran on the field and started kicking his ass off the field on live TV.