Butch: "What else could they do?" The Kid: "They could surrender, but I wouldn't count on it."

If god wanted these jokes to be funny he would have miracle’d their ass funny, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers The Dodgers didn’t really lose to the Phillies, they just wanted to leave the playoffs early to avoid traffic. The Miss California pageant organization is suing Carrie Prejean for the cost of her breast implants; Prejean’s attorney thinks this is just a legal ploy to upset Prejean, or as he calls it: a booby trap. There is a new bacon-scented soap on the market; for some reason the bacon-scented soap isn’t selling well in Islamic and Jewish markets. The FDA announced they will crack down on misleading nutritional information; is this really necessary in a country that buys bacon-scented soap? The Miss California pageant organization is suing Carrie Prejean for the cost of her boob job; they want to give the money for the breast implants for the new titular Miss California. Lindsay Lohan was 90 minutes late for her court appearance on a D.U.I. Ninety minutes late. And her panties didn’t show up at all. A 45-year-old woman in Texas is being held after she spent a week in her apartment with her dead boyfriend; she said she didn’t notice except she was winning a lot more of their arguments. Police in Phoenix are hunting an Iraqi immigrant, Faleh Hassan Almaleki, for running over his own daughter with his car because she was becoming too Americanized. Here’s a tip, if you don’t want your daughter to become Americanized, don’t move to America. A Canadian company is offering a Balloon Boy costume for Halloween. It features a miniature silver alien balloon, a cardboard box to hide in and a giant douche bag to resemble the father, Richard Henne. Jon Gosselin said it would cost $12,000 for a one hour appearance on a Florida radio station; when asked to comment, the station manager says; “$12,000 seems like a lot, but if Jon wants to pay us $12,000 to be on our station, we’ll take it.” Since you asked: Been on a bit of a health kick recently since my Tuesday near-meltdown/perfect storm of too much coffee, dehydrated, slightly hung-over, over-tired and a huge dose of MSG allergy reaction. No duck poop, I thought I was a gonner there for a while. Truth-be-told, it is a little scary how much more energy I have with a few days of no booze, no bad food, exercise and rest. My to-do list today looks like something Barack would have done on a Saturday. A poop-ton of stuff: 6:00 AM, Listen to jokes on my radio sports broadcast. 6:30- 7:20 AM, Write jokes for my radio sports broadcast. 8:00 AM, arrive in La Jolla for root canal. 11:00- 12:00 AM, arrive home, write jokes, submit via e-mail and fax. 12:00-1:00 PM, bank, video store, haircut, grocery store for dinner. 1:00 - 2:30 PM, post jokes on Twitter and Facebook and answer e-mails, fix iPod remote changer. Post jokes to blog. This brings us up to date. Next, pick up Stinker, run, work out, shower, prep dinner, grill dinner (Argentine-grilled olive-oil marinated strip steaks, Yukon gold bakers with roasted garlic, butter and mustard sauce, tossed salad, red wine) to new iPod play list with “Help Me” from Sonny Boy Williamson - which my band rehearsed last night with me on lead vocals and harp - then “Hancock” on Blue Ray DVD, "The Jay Leno Show" and bed- bye for Lexter. Tomorrow, exciting Stinker soccer – don’t have to drive far – and surfing and more BBQ. Knock on wood three times.