Who does that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?


Of this we can be sure
A Florida woman has issued a restraining order against New England Patriot receiver Randy Moss over an incident that occurred on the sixth of January. We are not sure what happened, but we can assume that Moss did not attempt to block or tackle the woman.


Psycho Cheesehead you don't want in your foxhole
In Wisconsin, a man taped his 7-year-old son to a chair for an hour because he refused to wear a Green Bay Packer jersey during the game against the Seattle Seahawks. Apparently the incident began when the boy insisted on pronouncing the Packer’s QB name correctly as Brett Fav-rah.


Fits him to a T
Dallas Cowboy QB Tony Romo was spotted wearing a new t-shirt. It said in big letters on the front: “I slept with Jessica Simpson and Lost the Game”. Then on the back it says “Ask me if I would do it again.”


That explains it
On this date, January 17th a devastating 6.7 earthquake hit Northridge, California. In fact, we thought there was an earthquake in Los Angeles today, it turns out it was just “American Idol’s” Ruben Stoddard being dropped from his record contract.


Too bad
Cowboy fans are blaming Dallas’ 21-17 loss to the New York Giants on Tony Romo’s Mexican vacation with Jessica Simpson. Apparently Jessica mentally damaged Romo when they got undressed and Jessica disappointedly pointed and cried; “But I thought you were a number nine?”

All the way gay
There is a celebrity impersonator named Eddie Edwards, a guy, who specializes in impersonating Cher and Barbra Streisand. That’s even too gay for Idaho Senator Larry Craig. He’ll pick up dudes in airport bathrooms but watch a guy impersonate Barbara and Cher? Way too gay.

My List
The “Bucket List” is number one at the box office. Here are some of the things that are on my bucket list:

Walk up to Paris Hilton at a crowded Hollywood restaurant and say;

"Not tonight, Paris, my Hazmat suit is in the cleaners."

Be waiting outside of the posh minimum security prison when Michael Vick is released, smear him with liver and then sick a rabid Rottweiler on him.

Try out for “American Idol.” Not to win, so I can call Simon Cowell a snotty little bitch in person.

Inject truth serum into Roger Clemens’s ass and record what he says when I ask if he used steroids.

Ask diminutive elf Dennis Kucinich’s hot, young, tall wife; “No, seriously, what’s the deal here?”

Get arrested shoplifting in Las Vegas, go to jail and then shiv O.J. Simpson in the yard.

Go to Paris and ask diminutive elf President Nicolas Sarkozy’s girlfriend singer/model Carla Bruni; “No, seriously, what’s the deal here?”

A, go to Pamplona during the running of the bulls, B, see all the brave people who run with the bulls, C, heckle the living crap out of those drunken idiots.

Walk up to President Bush, shake his hand and then say “For the love of decency, nuclear is pronounced New-klee-er.”

Gallop a mustang through a canyon and shoot off a Winchester rifle at a rattlesnake and hear the sound of the echoing zing. (That really is on my bucket list)

Go up to Britney Spears, put my arm around her and softly whisper; “Girl, go get some drawers on you.”

Ask Tom Cruise’s wife, Katie Holmes; “No, seriously, what’s the deal here?”

World’s stupidest joke

"Knock, knock."

"Who’s there?"

"Interrupting pirate."

"Interrupting pir. . ."

"Arrrrrrrrrr."